Stand Back Up
by ahoy-cinderella
Summary: 'sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough, but I'll stand back up' - set after 'Surrender Benson'
1. Chapter 1

**new one.** unlike 'Begin Again' I actually have some ideas for this one!  
hope you all like it, please leave your comments, good or bad!  
set after 'Her Negotiation'

**song lyrics:** Stand Back Up - Sugarland

I own nothing.

* * *

_I've been beaten up and bruised,_

_I've been kicked right off my shoes,_

_Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe,_

_When the darkness tries to get me,_

_There's a light that just won't let me,_

_It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes,_

_But I'll stand back up_

_/_

Olivia Benson stood in the middle of her once beautifully furnished apartment, now turned broken, beaten and trashed. CSU had been and combed every scrap of evidence they could find, and with Lewis being the professional psychopath he was, he barely left a thing.

She had been found however, beaten, burned, scarred and passed out, but she had been found.

_Alive_

That was all she could focus on now was the fact that she was alive, she had made it through that ordeal and come out with her life, which was the most important thing. But that didn't stop her from breaking down in her own home, staring at the upturned chair she had been tied to for what felt like years. She could still feel the rope tearing into her wrists and ankles, she could still smell the taste of whiskey on Lewis's breath, she could still hear his evil, sadistic laughter as he let her listen to the voicemail her boyfriend had left her, telling her he was pulling a double and wouldn't be able to meet her. Or come find her, as she had hoped.

She had come back to pick up some things, staying at Brian's place had been the best idea for her, never wanting to step foot in her home again, fearful of the memories and images that would come flooding back into her mind, but it had to be done. Now three weeks after the attack, Olivia stood, tears streaming from her eyes, her hands covering her mouth as she tried hard not to scream out. She had to be strong. She had made it this far, she had managed to unlock her door and step inside all by herself before turning to Brian and pleading with him to come in. She couldn't turn that corner, not again. Not with the image of a gun being thrust into her face. Once she made it to the middle of the room, she quietly asked if Brian would give her a moment, standing here, taking it all in, was something she had to do on her own.

She took a deep breath and easy steps as she made her way into her bedroom, it had also been trashed. She took and look around and focused on the window, where Lewis had pushed her through before dragging her down the fire escape. Olivia could feel her heart racing, her breathing coming in fast, short pants. She grabbed her bag and stuffed as much as she could into it before racing back through to the front door.

Opening the door she found Brian on the other side, waiting patiently, playing with his phone.

"You okay, babe?" He asked, stepping closer, but not too close. He knew she still had an issue with boundaries. "That was Fin…" He said, holding his phone up "Just checking on you, asking how you were."

"I'm fine." Olivia replied, her voice quiet, her breathing slowing down "Can we go now?"

"Of course, you get everything you need…Do you want me to go in?" He asked, stepping a little closer and taking her empty hand in his. She gripped his hand tight, afraid to let go.

"I think so….can we just get out of here?" She pleaded "Please?"

"Sure, wanna go get some coffee before home? You have therapy today right? 3 o clock? "

Her heart skipped a beat, _home, _his home, which he kept referring to as home, their home. Olivia smiled, she didn't know if he realised he was saying like he was, even if he didn't, it sure made her happy to hear it.

"Sure. And yes, at 3."

/

"I'm terrified of being dependent."

"Dependent on who, or what?"

Olivia sat in her therapist's office for the second time since the attack. She had been living with Brian she had been released from the hospital and was becoming a little too attached to him being there at every moment of the day.

"Brian, I guess." She told her doctor, staring at her hands.

"Why is that?" Dr Roberts asked.

"He has been there for everything since this whole thing happened, I'm so used to having him around, even just knowing he's home makes me feel safe, we don't even have to be in the same room but I know I'm okay because he's there." Olivia stated. "I've been independent since childhood, everything with my mother meant I had to fend for myself, I got so used to it and set in my ways that now…I'm afraid to need someone. I know I need him, and I don't want to."

"You don't want him in your life? Or you don't…."

"What the hell does that mean!? Of course I want him in my life!" Olivia shouted

"Olivia, let me finish." Olivia sighed and nodded

"Sorry." She whispered "I'm just on edge, with everything."

"I know, and it's completely understandable. I'll move on. Why are you afraid to be dependent on Brian?"

"I don't want him to get sick of me." She replied, she could feel the tears prick behind her eyes "He has been amazing through all of this so far, he never asked for this. I sort of just assumed he would be there, assumed he would let me stay with him, I never really asked." She grabbed a tissue from the table in front of her and dabbed her eyes "I don't want him to leave me alone."

"Do you think he would?"

"I _really_ hope not"

/

Olivia stepped out of her therapist's office to see Brian leaning on the door of the car, watching the world go by. She couldn't help but smile when she saw his face light up when she walked towards him.

"Hey beautiful." He said quietly. "How'd it go?"

She stood in front of him, so sure of her next move. She leaned forward and pulled him in, her arms wrapped tight around his body.

"Thank you." She whispered, her face pressed against his chest.

Brian wrapped his own arms around her back, hugging tight when he realised she wasn't letting go. He savoured the moment, this was one the closet moments there been between them since the ordeal.

"For what?" He asked, kissing the top of her head.

"Everything." Olivia replied "You've been amazing through this…"

"So have you." He smiled "I'm so proud of you." He kissed her forehead.

"I've got a long way to go." She warned him.

"I know, I'm not going anywhere, Liv. I'll be here, always."

"You sure?"

"I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it, Liv."

* * *

what do you think? please comment/follow/fav or whatever! :)

- JADE


	2. Chapter 2

**i own nothing. **  
**dialogue central.**  
**and after that premiere, they should just give mariska the emmy now.**

_lyrics: fall into me - sugarland_

**read and review :)  
**

* * *

_Fall into me  
__My arms are opened wide  
__And you don't have to say a word  
__Cuz I already see  
__That it's hard  
__And you're scared  
__And you're tired  
__And it hurts  
__And I wanna be the one you reach for first_

"You okay?"

"I'm fine. I just didn't wanna wake you again."

Olivia pulled herself to sit up on the sofa. Glancing at the clock on the way, it was only just after midnight. She had woken up earlier, not so much woken up as had been so terrified by her nightmares, her own screams dragged her from the little sleep she had. After Brian had fallen back asleep, she sneaked out into the living room, wrapped in one of her boyfriend's hoodies and curled up on the coach, crying herself back into a light sleep.

"Liv, it's okay."

"No, it's not."

"Liv…"

"NO! Bri, it is _not_ okay! It isn't okay that I can't sleep without waking up screaming two hours later, it is _not_ okay that he is still in my head every _second_ of the day. I can still feel him on me, his hands, his breath, everything, its everywhere and I can't seem to shake it." Olivia jumped slightly as Brian took a hold of her hands which she hadn't even realised had be digging into the skin of her lower arms, leaving angry red marks in their path.

"It's not gonna go away overnight babe."

Olivia laughed "You think I don't know that. I deal with this stuff every day Brian. Every single day of my life for the last fourteen years. I know how this thing goes." She pulled her hands away from him and started pacing around the room.

"This is different, it happened to you." Brian watched her walked around the room "You were the one who was attacked. All that stuff you've told other survivors, for years, you have to take that advice on board now."

"That's helpful. Thanks for the reminder" Olivia scoffed. "You think I don't already know that?"

"Liv…"

"Seriously, could you at least try to say something useful for a change!?" She felt her heart clench the instant she saw Brian's face. He looked so defeated, tired, as if what she had just said had broken his heart.

"Brian…." Her strong voice from seconds ago, shattered as she fought the emotions she felt.

"It's okay Liv." He said as he stood slowly, wiping his hands on his sweatpants, he stepped closer to her, one hand rising slightly, running softly through her hair, scared she'd jump back from him but she didn't. He kissed her forehead lightly. "I'm sorry." He whispered.

"Bri…" Her hands reached out and grabbed the sides of his faded t-shirt.

"It's okay." He kissed her head once more and stepped back into the bedroom. He remerged a few minutes later fully dressed. "I'm gonna go out for a bit okay? Give you some space"

"Please don't" Olivia immediately whispered. "Please don't leave me alone."

"Babe…"

"I'm so sorry!" She said, tears filling behind her eyes. "I didn't mean it, I know you're trying your best. I'm sorry. I do appreciate it, I really do. I just don't know what to do."

"It's been just over three weeks Liv, you need to give yourself time. You're trying to rush this healing process and it's not working." He stepped closer to her, taking her hands in his "Its making you anxious and restless. You aren't sleeping, you're not eating, and if you do eat you end up making yourself sick with nerves." He gripped her hands and pulled her closer. "You just need to breathe babe." She wrapped her arms around him tight.

"I don't know what I'm doing here, you're gonna have to give me some guidance" He laughed "As if you don't have enough to deal with, you have me as a boyfriend. I am so sorry." He smiled at her, trying to gage a reaction of any sort but she just looked at the ground.

"You're not useless." She whispered, her hands running around to the front of his shirt.

"I sure feel it. And I'm sorry. I promise I'm trying."

"I know." She hugged him tighter.

/

"Now last time you talked about your fear of dependency. Do you still feel that way?" Dr Roberts questioned.

"A little."

"Have you are Brian talked about it?"

"I went back to my apartment, did I mention that last time?" Olivia told him, looking at the floor the entire time.

"You went to your apartment, where you were attacked?" He leaned forward in his chair slightly.

"Yes."

"How did you feel?"

"Terrified."

"I'm not surprised. It's only been a month since your assault."

"I needed to pick up a few things…clothes and stuff."

"Brian couldn't have done it for you?"

"He was, but I didn't want to be alone in the apartment so I went with him, he said I shouldn't, not so soon, but I went anyway.

"He's a wise man." Dr Roberts told her. "Olivia, you cannot rush this." He stressed "You went through a seriously traumatic ordeal and every time we speak you try and convince me that you're fine, when really you aren't. Did you realise you changed the subject a moment ago? We were talking about Brian…"

"I don't want to talk about him." Olivia whispered. She drew her legs underneath her, sitting cross-legged on the large armchair, pulling at the sleeves of her sweater.

"Can I ask why?"

"I don't know"

"You don't know what?"

"What to say about him, I guess."

"Olivia…."

"I love him."

Dr Roberts looked at her expectantly, waiting for her to finish.

"I do love him. I think I do…"

"You either love him or you don't Olivia, it's quite simple."

"It's not though, I don't know if I love him because of how he is now or if I even loved him before."

"Before your attack?" Olivia nodded.

"He always makes me a laugh, made me laugh, I don't know. He's a very funny guy. I love that about him, he knows just how to cheer me up, always has. It's strange, we were apart for thirteen years and yet he still knows." Olivia smiled "It's just now, he seems so hesitant. I know he's scared for me, he's scared he's gonna say or do something wrong and I'll get upset. I need him to stop treating me like I'm going to break. I need everyone to stop treating me like I'm going to break."

"He sounds like a great guy Olivia, he seems to have been a rock for you. Maybe you just have to talk to him, tell him how you feel. And people are just worried, surely you understand that"

"He has. And I know they are, I know I would be worried if, god forbid any of them went through a similar situation but I just urgh! I don't know"

"Are you in love with him?"

"I thought I was here to talk about my assault, not my love life." Olivia scolded.

"Whatever helps you get better" He encouraged. "Maybe you two should talk about this. Your feelings for him are real, I can see that when you speak about him. But only you, Olivia, can decide how strong they really are."

"He loves me. I know he does. I just think he's scared to tell me."

"Maybe you should bring him to the next session? You can both talk openly, in a safe environment about everything you are feeling, towards him, about your assault. All of the things you've been afraid to tell him until now, I'll be here the whole time."

/

"Dr Roberts wants you to come to the next session…" Olivia stated, swirling a piece of pasta around with her fork "Only if you want to obviously, you don't have to, it was just an idea, you know, to talk about…"

"Olivia, you're rambling." Brian chuckled. "If you want me to be there, I will be. No hesitations. It's up to you."

"Would you want to come?"

"Liv, I know how private you are. If you want me to be there, I will. If not, I completely understand. But you have to let me in sometime, if you don't then I honestly have no idea what we're doing."

* * *

**continue or give up?**  
**let me know!**

**xx**


	3. Chapter 3

**_more dialogue  
my apologies for not knowing how to write a decent fic.  
i own nothing._**

_**lyrics: please don't say you love me - gabrielle aplin**_

* * *

_Heavy words are hard to take_

_Under pressure precious things can break_

_How we feel is hard to fake_

_So let's not give the game away_

"Liv."

"No, by all means, say it." Olivia argued. "Say it, Brian. You're only with me now because you feel sorry for me."

"You've _got_ to be kidding me…" Brian sighed, running a hand through his hair he picked up the dinner dishes and proceeded to the kitchen.

"Then what do you mean?" She followed him, watching as he started washing up, clearly trying to avoid the conversation.

"You need to talk to me Olivia." He turned "You don't tell me anything. Everything is always 'I'm fine' or 'Work was the usual' you never actually tell me how you're feeling. Especially not now! You didn't even want anyone to know that we were together for god's sake!" His voice got louder. "I would never stay with you, just because I feel sorry for you. I am not that kind of guy, Liv. I'm not that desperate for a girlfriend that I would take advantage of you and string you along, thinking we were fine when we're not. No matter what you think."

"Then how do you feel about me?" She question, her voice quiet, the nervous feeling setting in her stomach.

"How do you feel about me?" He retaliated.

/

"So Brian didn't come with you today?"

"No"

"Did you ask him?"

"We had a fight." Olivia stated, already feeling nauseous and emotional.

"What about?"

"He said he didn't know where we were going, or what we were doing, something like that. And he wouldn't tell me how he felt about me."

"What did he say to you, when you asked him, did you ask him how he felt?" The doctor questioned, leaning forward in his chair.

"Yeah, he asked me how I felt about him." She said "I didn't say anything."

"And what happened after that?"

"He left." Olivia grabbed a tissue from the side table. "I didn't say anything, and he grabbed his coat and walked out."

/

Brian sipped his beer and shut the world out. He watched a couple in the far away booth, laughing, holding hands, sneaking sly kisses here and there. They looked so happy and at one point so did he and Olivia. He thought back to the random nights in her apartment, or his. Laying on the couch, watching re-runs of crappy TV shows after a rough day's work, sharing a bottle of wine, that usually ended up the two of them making love on the floor because neither of them could wait long enough to make the seven steps it took to get to the bedroom. The days where they would drive to the middle of nowhere, where nobody knew them, and walk around aimlessly, holding hands, stealing kisses, finding out random pieces of information about each other, casual nights at the movies making out like a couple of teenagers in the back row. Now he sat, in a bar, drowning his sorrows, while his girlfriend, although she'd never admit to it, sat at home, terrified of being by herself in the apartment. He knew this. He knew she hated being by herself right now, yet he still sat, drinking his feelings, hiding from the world.

"So, I just got a call from your very worried girlfriend, asking if I'd seen you or heard from you today…because she hasn't. Turns out she's quite worried about you."

Brian turned to his left to see none other than John Munch sit down on the barstool next to him.

"Well here I am."

"What are you doing here, Cassidy? You should be with Liv."

"I know."

"You're lucky it's me that's sitting here. If it were Fin, he'd have already hauled your drunk ass outside, beat the crap out of you and driven you home by now."

Brian laughed "I'm not drunk." He started peeling the label from the beer bottle in front of him

"You need to go home." Munch stated.

"I know." Brian nodded "I can't though, I've been drinking. Can you go, check on Liv for me?" He asked, the guilt pouring from every syllable.

"Brian…"

"Lewis made her drunk, he kept pouring drink down her throat…she still has nightmares about it. I can't go to her when I've been drinking."

John sat silent as he watched Brian, his frame riddled with shame. "God, I am the worst human being on the planet." He laughed. "My girlfriend…god, John, I love her so much. She was held for four days…four days that bastard had her, tortured her, taunted her and what did I do? Nothing. I stood around, made a few phone calls."

"You did what you could. You know that you couldn't have done any more. We wouldn't let you."

"I love her John." Brian stated proudly "I love her more than anything."

"Have you told her this?" John asked "Maybe she needs to hear it. She needs to know that you aren't going to up and leave every time the going gets tough."

"I haven't left yet. Besides, she doesn't need me pouring my heart out to her. If she doesn't feel the same about me, she's just gonna feel bad when I tell her how I feel. She doesn't need that. She's already going through the worst time of her life. She doesn't need me adding to it."

"Oh you stupid, stupid idiot." Munch muttered "You know nothing about women."

"Coming from Mr-I've-Been-Divorced-Four-Times? Really?"

"Get up, I'm driving your _stupid_ ass home."

/

When he arrived home, Brian instantly jumped into overdrive. Every light in the apartment was on, a duvet cover on the floor and retching sounds coming from the bathroom.

"Liv? Babe?"

He hurried into the bathroom to find Olivia hunched over the toilet. He grabbed a wash cloth from the shelf above the tub, drowned it in cold water and rinsed it out before carefully reaching over to place it on the back of her neck.

"You okay, babe?"

She just nodded before spitting and laying back against the edge of the bathtub, she grabbed the cold cloth and buried her face in it. She looked up at him with worry in her eyes, he stood at the door of the bathroom, just about as far as he could get without leaving her sight. She didn't even have to ask him what was wrong, her eyes were already asking the question.

"I've been drinking" He whispered, looking at the ground "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." She replied, her voice quiet.

"I'll go make some tea?"

She just nodded as she sorted herself out, mouthwash, splash of water to the face, same routine as she had done for the last week. Walking back through to the front room, Olivia heard him messing around with the washing machine.

"What are you doing?" She smiled at the sight. Brian Cassidy, standing in his boxers, trying to load his clothes into the machine.

"They smell like the bar" He said, messing with the buttons "I didn't want you to have a flashback because of it or anything…not that I'm saying you would. I just was worried that you would get scared and I don't want you to be."

"It's okay. Don't worry about it. I'm just glad you're home."

Brian smiled at the sight of her, wearing his clothes, at midnight, in his kitchen. He couldn't help staring at the most beautiful woman in the world.

"All the lights are on…" He questioned.

"I'm not too keen on the dark right now."

"You're sleeping on the couch…"

"You're not in the bed."

"You're still being sick…"

"Nightmares."

Brian smiled "Thank you."

"For what?" Olivia took a sip of her tea.

"Being honest with me."

Olivia smiled at him, walking out of the kitchen and climbing back onto the couch.

"I'm gonna go shower"

"Okay."

/

Lying on his couch, curled up under the covers, her boyfriend's heart beating under her ear, his hand running through the ends of her hair, Olivia hadn't felt more content in a while. She turned her head towards the TV and glanced at the DVR clock.

02:39

In this very moment, she didn't feel scared, she didn't feel nervous or anxious.

She felt loved.

/

* * *

_**continue or quit?**_  
_**let me know!**_  
_**comments and criticism welcome!**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**thank you so much for all of your amazing comments!**  
**i'm so glad you all like this story!**  
**THANK YOU.**_

**more therapy, more dialogue.  
biggest chapter yet!**  
**comments and criticism welcome!**

**lyrics: marching on - onerepublic**

* * *

_For those doubts that swirl all around us,_

_For those lives that tear at the seams,_

_We know,_

_We're not what we've seen,_

"You must be Brian?" Dr Roberts reached out to shake Brian's hand.

"Ah, erm, yeah. Hi, how are you?" Brian hesitantly stepped into the room, shaking the doctor's hand. His eyes darting around to the very plain yet contemporary decorated office, books lined along one wall, three large arm chairs, high ceilings, the place could be mistaken for somebody's living room. Even though the room was open and spacious, one wall completely glass, looking out onto the city, Brian had never felt more claustrophobic in his entire life.

"Good thank you. Olivia…" The doctor nodded to her as she sat down in her usual seat. "You're looking well."

"Thank you." She smiled, watching Brian's every move. She knew he was nervous, he had been all week. After their argument two weeks ago, Brian had shocked her when he asked her if she wanted him to attend therapy with her.

/

"_What's the catch?" She smirked, taking a sip from her steaming cup of herbal tea._

"_Why would there be a catch?" He asked "You asked me if I wanted to come with you…and then…well yeah." He mumbled, remembering the events that occurred after that argument "I shouldn't have said anything, don't worry about it."_

"_Hey, I do want you to come with me. I just wasn't sure if you wanted to, it doesn't matter if you don't want to, I completely understand. Trust me, I'm not a fan of it myself but its helping." Olivia smiled and linked her fingers with his, pulling them into her lap._

"_If you want me there, then I'm there" He replied softly before leaning in and kissing her lips with no hesitations._

/

And now they sat, side by side in plush blue armchairs, Brian sat forward, his elbows resting on his shaking knees, hands clasped in front of him as he glanced intently around the room, taking in every detail, focusing on anything other than the therapist. Olivia reached over and grabbed his hands.

"It's okay" She whispered, smiling as his eyes widen and he nodded back to her. She held his hands in hers, linking their fingers together, rubbing her thumb across the back of his hand.

"So, how are we today?" Dr Roberts smiled at the couple.

"Good, it's been a good week" Olivia smiled. Brian glanced over, smiling at the genuine look of happiness on his girlfriend's face. _It's been too long_ he thought. _I should be doing more to make her happy _the feelings of guilt creeping back into his veins.

"I'm glad to hear it, how are the nightmares? You mentioned them in our last session, easing up at all?"

"A little. I still get the flashbacks and the little reminders here and there, the usual nightmares but they aren't every night now which I guess is a bonus, overall it's been okay" Brian helplessly watched as Olivia divulged all of this personal information to her therapist. Never once had she openly told him about her nightmares, only when he had woken up with her, had he known she was having them. He knew she would be, it's not something that you can just erase from memory no matter how much you wish you could. But it was different hearing her willingly telling someone.

"Can you explain a little about what they are about? Are there specific moments that come back to you?" Olivia glanced over at Brian, unsure of disclosing this sort of information in front of him. He didn't need to know this stuff.

"I…erm, Do we have to do this now?" She asked, uncertain of her boyfriend's reaction. He still had no idea what had happened to her. She didn't want him there when she retold the story of her ordeal to the detective, she hadn't mentioned any details of her nightmares or recollections.

"Would you rather Brian not be here?"

"I want to be." Brian piped up. He leaned back in his chair giving her his best I'm-not-going-anywhere-so-you-better-get-used-to-i t face.

"He taped my legs together." The words rushed from Olivia's mouth. "I was already cuffed, to this old iron bed. He had the cuffs too tight so every time I moved I felt them, digging into my wrists." She hesitated, her hands wrapping around her wrists as if she could still feel them on her, before continuing, she observed Brian, he sat forward in the chair again, as if he was balancing on the edge, staring straight in front of him, a blank, emotionless expression on his face, one hand over his mouth.

"He had went into the kitchen to find scissors. My legs were taped, around my thighs and just below my knees. My mouth was taped as well, I literally couldn't move. I just lay there."

The room went quiet for a moment, both Olivia and Dr Roberts took a glance at Brian who was yet to move from his previous position.

"How did you feel? What were your thoughts in that exact moment?" The doctor asked quietly, once again watching Brian.

"I thought of everything I've never done." Olivia's voice got rough as she tried to fight back the tears. "I was lying there, tied to this bed, burned and beaten, convinced I was gonna be raped and violated and all I could think about was everything I've never done. All the things that have been left undone in my life, questions I still don't have answers to." Olivia let out an amused chuckle "I was held for four days and in the final hours, all I wanted to do was die. Yet all I could think about was I've never been skydiving. Have you? Ever been skydiving?" She questioned.

"No, I can't say that I have." The doctor smiled.

"I've never been skydiving. That was my first thought." She laughed "I've never been to Australia, I've never been swimming with dolphins, I've never walked down the aisle, been married. Never been a mom, never had a pet, never got a reason as to why my old partner left me…The mind is an odd thing."

"It is indeed."

"Yeah, so I go back to that a lot. The lying there, helpless, waiting for death…" Olivia mumbled.

"So your nightmares, are you just lying there again, back in the same spot over and over? Like a recurring nightmare?"

"Sometimes. Sometimes it's different."

"Like what?"

"I got to hear the message." Olivia looked towards Brian, she could then see the pain in his eyes, he looked so lost. "Brian called me, left me a message saying that he had to work a double shift. I had said to myself over and over that he would be here soon and this would all be over. And then I heard the message." Brian placed his hands together in front of his face, as if he was praying and shook his head slightly. _This is all my fault_ he thought to himself.

"The message saying he wasn't able to make it? How did you feel then?" Dr Roberts questioned

"I don't know. I just tried to reason with Lewis, told him leave and I wouldn't say anything to anyone, I wouldn't press charges. Anything to get him to leave me alone. I replay that in my nightmares. The message, the way he laughed in my face saying no one cared where I was or what was happening. Laughing saying that no one was going to save me now." Olivia looked over "Bri…" She called his name softly and tried to reach over to comfort him but he was gone. His body was there but his mind was somewhere else.

"Olivia, focus. You need to get this all out in the open. Talking about it will help you, it will help you both." The doctor explained glancing between the couple.

"I can't stand the smell of vodka." She stated. "He stopped at a hardware store somewhere and bought 'supplies'" She shuddered "Duct tape, rope, a handheld blowtorch. He came back and opened the door, pulling me up onto the seat. I was handcuffed to the door, I had fallen to the floor at some point but he pulled me up. Ripped the duct tape from my mouth and poured vodka down my throat. I just remember feeling sick and dizzy."

Brian closed his eyes, he sat in the same position, his left leg bouncing up and down. He knew the little detail about the alcohol. He had heard from Rollins about the alcohol with Lewis's previous victims. He had only guessed the same thing had happened with Liv but now he knew it was real. Now he knew a lot more than he had ever imagined he would.

"He told me about his dad. His dad raped his babysitter when he was a kid. I remember standing at the window, gun in my hand while he was restrained at the end of the bed, recalling this story of him watching his babysitter being raped by his dad and how it was one of the greatest days of his life because his dad took him out for ice cream afterwards. I felt sick. He kept mentioning my old partner, he mentioned my own father. I just wanted him dead. I wanted to shove my gun down his throat and pull the trigger." She recalled indignantly

"But you didn't…"

Olivia looked at him, her eyes filled with something between shame and sorrow. "No."

"What stopped you?"

"I don't know."

/

"Brian, how do you feel hearing that? Now that you have a better understanding of what Olivia went through"

Brian looked at the doctor as if he had two heads "Seriously? How do I feel?"

"Brian…" Olivia tensed in her chair. She could feel the anger swirling in him already and he had barely moved.

"I feel fucking useless." He stated furiously "I feel sick to my stomach knowing that if I had told the guys at work to fuck off, I could've went to Liv's apartment and stopped her from having to go through that!" Brian clasped a hand over his mouth again before pulling it roughly through his hair, closing his eyes and leaning down so he was staring at the floor. "I love her more than anything." He admitted before looking back at the doctor. Olivia's head whipped to the side, he loved her. He actually said the words for the very first time. "I love her more than anyone or anything on this earth, she is everything to me and hearing her say that, say that she was tied to a bed, cuffed against her will, threatened with her own gun, wanting to die. Seriously? Doc, I wanna kill myself. I wanna find that bastard, beat the crap out of him, punch his teeth down his own throat and blow his head off and then do the same thing to myself for letting this happen."

Olivia cursed at herself for feeling so nauseous, this was not what she was expecting from today. Her head was spinning.

Brian _loved_ her.

"You didn't let this happen" Dr Roberts explained

"Didn't I? I didn't do a very good job at stopping it either." Brian exclaimed. "She deserves so much better than me, you have no idea doc, no idea how amazing she is. She is the greatest person I have ever known, she's selfless and smart, beautiful and funny, and trust me she'll call you out if you're being an ass. No hesitations." He laughed "I feel like utter shit for letting this happen to her."

Dr Roberts turned to Olivia, who hadn't taken her eyes off Brian for a second. "Olivia, how does this make you feel?"

"I eh….I think I need a minute." Olivia sighed. She couldn't tell if the weight of the world had been lifted, or it had just crashed back down on her. She took a few deep breaths trying to shoo away the waves of queasiness.

"I'm sorry." Brian said quietly. "I'm so sorry." He brought his hand back up to his mouth as he watched his girlfriend battle with every emotion under the sun. He felt the tears prick at his eyes as he stood up, took a step towards her and kissed her on the head. "I'll give you some space." Olivia grabbed his hand.

"Don't…"

"I'll just be out there." He pointed to the door. "I'll be right outside." He said quietly again. "I'm sorry."

/

"Hey, the guy I came here with, have you seen him?" Olivia asked the receptionist

"He was pacing around here for a little bit and then headed for the bathroom." The blonde behind the desk replied with a smile.

"Thank you."

Olivia took off in search of her boyfriend. She felt better knowing that he now knew some of what she had been through but she couldn't help but hate it as well, the last thing she needed was people feeling sorry for her, especially Brian. The fact that he blamed himself, it killed her inside.

She called out his name before opening the door, getting no reply she carefully took a step in and found him half in and out of a cubicle. Standing in the middle of a very fancy bathroom, she waited until he had finished retching and approached him with a cold paper towel.

"It's all they have" She smiled

"It's fine. Sorry about this." He walked over to the sink

"It's fine, you've seen me like this a few times now, it's only fair." She chuckled.

/

On the drive back to his apartment Olivia reached over the console and grabbed Brian's free hand that wasn't holding the steering wheel and pulled it closer to her, keeping it between her own two hands.

"I don't blame you. For anything" She said quietly. "I know you did everything you could. Everything the squad would let you."

"I didn't do enough." He replied

"Even if you didn't, you're here now aren't you? That's more than enough." She pulled his hand up and kissed it before placing it back on her lap.

"I love you too by the way." She smiled as she stared out the window.

Brian turned to face her, watching her stare out the window, he gripped the hand holding his and grinned.

/

Neither Brian nor Olivia woke up later that night when Brian's cell phone buzzed on the bedside table with a message that once found out, would soon shock them both.

'_Cassidy, it's Munch, call me ASAP. It's urgent.'_

* * *

_**DUN DUN DUUUUUN.  
what could it be?**_

_**review please!**_

_**thanks so much to all who are still reading this! :)**_


	5. Chapter 5

**_thanks again for everyone's amazing comments!_**  
**_they mean the world!_**  
**_again, i own nothing._**

**_I hope you all continue to enjoy this story!_**  
**_I have a few up and coming ideas and hope you all stick with me through it!  
I really don't want it all to seem to exaggerated!  
so please please please let me know what you think!_**

**_THANKS._**

**_lyrics: i won't give up - jason mraz_**

* * *

_Well, I won't give up on us_

_God knows I'm tough enough_

_We've got a lot to learn_

_God knows we're worth it_

_/_

"Hey, what are you doing?"

Brian turned his head round to the voice calling from the bedroom door. He smiled as he saw Olivia, wearing one of his shirts, half asleep fighting back a yawn as she clenched her eyes shut, protecting them from the glaring light of the TV in the dark living room. She ran a hand through her sleep worn hair and stepped closer towards the sofa.

"The Simpsons is on at 3am?" She questioned

"Seems so. It's either this, porn or 24 hour news." Brian joked

"And you chose the Simpsons?" Olivia gave him her classic Benson eyebrow as she sat at his side.

"You wanna watch porn with me?" Brian questioned, handing her the remote.

She laughed and threw it back at him "You are unreal Brian Cassidy."

"Why thank you ma'am" He winked and kissed her lips.

She leaned in and cuddled up at his side, pulling his arm so it rested around her shoulders.

"What are you doing up anyway?" He kissed the top of her head "You should be sleeping."

"I felt sick." She mumbled, her eyes glued to the TV watching Homer Simpson up to his usual tricks.

"Again?"

"Hmm."

"Nightmares?"

"I think so, I'm at the point where I wake up at random times and can't even remember if I had a nightmare or not."

"Hey, you'd tell me if something was wrong right?" Brian looked down at her, after being so open and honest during yesterday's therapy he had hoped that this would mean Olivia would continue the honesty and stop shielding her pain and suffering away from him.

"Of course I would." She leaned up and kissed him "I love you" she whispered, kissing him again, a little bit harder.

Brian leaned down to her, one hand running to the back of her head as he pulled her up to meet him face to face, their lips fused. Olivia moaned as Brian gently bit her bottom lip, she grabbed him, one hand on his shoulder, the other in his hair and straddled him. Her bare legs on either side of his hips, her knees digging into the back of the sofa as she felt his arm wrap around her waist pulling her closer. She smiled against his mouth when she heard the growl rise from the back of his throat as her tongue lazily teased his.

"Liv…" He mumbled, unwillingly to take this any further, knowing she wasn't ready to fully let go of herself just yet.

"Hmm…" She moaned into his mouth "I'll stop in a minute." She chuckled as she pressed her lips against his once more before pulling back, her hands staying on the back of his head, fingers playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. She leaned in once more, her forehead resting on his. They sat in silence for a couple of minutes, gently teasing each other's lips, mumbling soft words of adoration back and forth between them in the early hours of the morning.

"I love seeing you like this" Brian whispered.

"Like what?"

"This…" He gestured to her current state "Bed hair, no make-up and in my clothes at 3am, making out like teenagers in the dark…"

"The Simpsons playing in the background." Olivia joked

Brian chuckled, running his hand through her hair, pressing his lips against hers once more "It's like I'm the only one who sees you like this. This side of you is just for me, no one else. I love that."

"Have you been watching romantic movies alone again?" She joked once more.

"I mean it Liv…" She sat back in his lap, her hands resting on his chest. "You're so strong and brave on the outside, everyone sees you as badass Benson with the badge and the gun. And you come home and be like this with me, it's like a secret that no one knows." He smiles.

"Oh god you are such a sap in the morning." She laughed.

Brian just looked at her, his lips curved slight in a smile, blank expression on his face. "I'm going to bed" He said, kissing her forehead and climbing from under her.

"What? Hey!" Olivia stood and followed him into the bedroom "What just happened?" She looked around confused.

"I am_ in-love_ with you." He stated boldly. "Not the 'hey you're my girlfriend' kind of I love you or 'I really wanna get you into bed so I'm just gonna say I love you and hope it works' love you." He started pacing the floor. "I am head over heels in-love with you. I want to run up and down that hallway out there and scream it to everyone else living in this building. I wanna go up to your squad room and tell them all how crazy I am about you. I wanna scream it from the rooftops and paint it on the side of every building in this city. Do you even know how amazing you are? Do you?"

"Bri…I didn't…"

"I don't get like this Liv. I have never felt like this before, about anyone, so I have no idea how I'm supposed to act. If I'm not meant to tell you I love you every day or tell you everything I love about you then please tell me. Tell me and I'll shut up. Because every time I try and tell you, you just seem to laugh in my face and it kills me, it physically hurts. I hate that I'm acting like a love struck teenager, I hate it. I've never been a romantic guy, I've never been open with feelings and all that shit but with you, I just…..god I have no idea what happens, something just takes over. I know you've been through hell, I can't even begin to imagine but babe, you need to talk to me, if this is all too much for you, please tell me and I'll stop. Please don't just shut me out and strike me down yet expect to me understand why because let's face it, I'm not the sharpest tool in the box, we all know that, everyone is already wondering what the hell you're doing with me, hell I'm still wondering about it…"

"I don't know how to react." Olivia states, interrupting him. She climbed up, kneeling on the bed, pulling Brian closer to the edge. He stares at his feet on the floor. "No guy has ever been like this with me. Not since I was 16. My mind just flips out. I can't remember the last time I heard someone say 'I love you' to me. I _love_ hearing you say it, believe me. And I do love you, I really do. But you just have to let me get used to it. I guess I just get scared, I'm not used to being so open. We're the same in that respect, we're both very guarded people, Bri and I'm sorry if I've made you question yourself or anything else but believe me when I say I love you." She gripped his arms "Please." She whispered as she placed a soft kiss on his lips. "Mind you, I don't know how to act." She laughed "I've never felt like this either."

"What about Elliot?" He mumbled. "Sorry, that was uncalled for." He kissed her head.

"That was…different." She climbed back into bed, pulling him with her.

"How?"

"Because I knew nothing would happen. He was married. I spent more time with him than anyone else in my whole life. It just felt natural, yet completely unnatural at the same time. I can't really explain it." She glanced up at his face as he sat, back against the headboard, one arm around her. "It's not the same as us, you know." He nodded.

"Come on, sleep. You have that doctor's appointment later on right?"

"Yeah, it's just a check-up. 8 weeks after everything. They just wanna make sure everything is alright." Olivia mumbled, crawling under the covers.

"Want me to come with you?" He asked, wrapping an arm around her waist, spooning in behind her, her body curved perfectly into his.

"Nah, it's okay. Meet me afterwards? We'll go get lunch or something?"

"Sure."

/

"There you are! I told you to call me ASAP! Do you not know the meaning of ASAP? It means as soon as possible!" Munch exclaimed, clambering from behind his desk as Brian casually strolled into the squad room.

"Easy Johnny. I got your message. Liv has a doctor's appointment so I thought I'd come see you."

"Is she okay?" Amanda piped up, the concern showing on the young blonde's face.

"Yeah, it's just a check-up. 8 weeks after the whole thing…you know." Brian got nervous whenever he mentioned his girlfriend's attack. Everyone did.

"Enough chit-chat. Come with me." Munch led him into the spare interrogation room.

/

"So Olivia, how have you been feeling?"

"Good."

"Just good?" The older woman questioned. She wrapped a pressure cuff around Olivia's arm and proceeded to take her blood pressure.

"Yeah, I mean, I'm sleeping better, less nightmares. The headaches are becoming less and less, I'm still getting nauseous but that usually happens after a flashback or something…PTSD thing I guess." Olivia rambled to the doctor.

"You get nauseous a lot?" The doctor questioned, prepping a needle to take some blood.

"Sometimes. Like I said it's usually after a nightmare or a flashback, same with the headaches."

"Okay, I'm gonna draw some blood. Run a few tests, check everything is okay, it shouldn't be long, should get the results to you within a few days." The older woman explained as she began to draw blood from Olivia's arm. After everything was done the doctor left some parting information and suggested if she still wasn't sleeping right within the next week or so, to come back in and see about getting something to help her along.

" Okay, Thank you, hopefully it won't come to that though" Olivia smiled at the doctor as she walked out of the room.

/

"When?"

"Yesterday. He called here, Cragen took the message."

"…Why? I mean…God!" Brian slammed his hands down on the table in front of him and started pacing around the room.

"Look, Cassidy. I told you because I didn't think telling Liv would be the best idea right now."

"Obviously." Brian scoffed.

"You'll have to tell her at some point, he'll want to talk to her. He already does."

"What am I meant to say to her?"

"I don't know man, you'll think of something. We all agreed it would be best coming from you."

"Who's we?"

"Cragen and me. Fin just wants to kick the guy in the teeth for what he did to Liv, so he's out. Nick and Amanda don't know what happened like we do so, the best bet is you. You're the closest to her right now."

Brian paced the room, glancing out to the rest of the SVU squad outside the room, he watched them all interacting with each other, wondering how they all felt without Liv being there.

"He left her, John." Brian stared at the older man in front of him "I get what happened, why he left, I can understand that, I do. But he hasn't said a word to her in almost three years."

"I know."

"And now he wants to talk?"

"I guess." Munch strolled around to Brian's side, placing a comforting hand on the younger man's shoulder. "She needs to know."

"I know that. I just don't know how to tell her." Brian stressed. "She's in a good place, Johnny. She's getting better, she was talking about coming back to work the other day, she's getting used to being on her own again when I have to work, she's doing well with therapy and now I have to tell her this?! What if she doesn't want to talk to him? or see him? What then? I've just messed her up even more."

"You won't have messed her up, Liv's strong..."

"I know that, trust me. I know. I've watched her deal with a lot of shit in the last few weeks John. But I mean come on, you know how they were together, they were closer than close. He just left, without so much as a good bye..."

"He just wants to know how she is..."

"Tell him she's fine." Brian stressed.

"We did, he wants hear it from her."

/

* * *

_**DUN DUN DUUUUUH. again...  
****not sure if I want to bring Elliot back in this or not!**_  
_**I had massive ideas but now I'm a bit worried you all won't like it**_

_**hope you enjoyed!**_  
_**thanks for reading!**_  
_**please comment and let me know what you thought!**_


	6. Chapter 6

_**another big chapter. i've had to split it into two parts!  
second part will come soon!  
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR AMAZING COMMENTS.**_  
_**seriously i am so grateful!**_

_**I've had a few people say don't bring Elliot back but I'm warning you now,**_  
_**It's only for this chapter and the next one.**_  
_**I don't see him being in it any longer than that.  
****I've had this idea for a while and like a few of you said, I am the author so It is my decision.**_  
_**anyway, here we go!**_

_**lyrics: white horse - taylor swift**_

* * *

_This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,_  
_I was a dreamer before you went and let me down,_  
_Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around_

/

Brian trudged down the steps from the 1-6, his mind racing. How was he supposed to tell Olivia that Elliot had been in contact with the squad? He had called Munch the previous day, questioning him about Liv and if she was okay, how she was coping and if she was back at work. Munch had never mentioned the little detail of her and Brian being in a relationship, he hadn't really told Elliot anything other than the fact that she was fine. _It only took him eight weeks _Brian thought to himself. Eight fucking weeks. Olivia's ordeal had been plastered all over local news for days, weeks after it took place, it even made the national news at one stage. News about her attack, news about Lewis, his court dates and sentencing and even vague and mostly rumoured details of the crime itself. He must have seen it…yet it still took him eight weeks to call.

Brian pulled out his phone to call his girlfriend and found a message from her.

_Just finished with the doc, leaving now. Meet you at the diner? Xxx_

He took a deep breath in, praying everything went okay with her appointment, the last thing she needed was bad news about her and her health. He replied to her and started walking the four blocks to the diner just down from his apartment, playing over various ways in his mind on how to broach the conversation with Liv about Elliot. He even contemplated with himself if he should even mention it but the last thing he wanted to do was lie to her. That was definitely the last thing she needed right now.

/

Olivia walked around to the front of the diner to find Brian standing just outside, his head down and hands in his pockets deep in thought.

"If I didn't know any better…" She smirked "I'd say you were in a bad mood." She slowed her steps, sauntering up to meet him, giving him a quick peck on the cheek before wiping the gloss print that she had left off the side of his face. He leaned in and kissed her lips, his hand cradling the side of her face before pulling away.

"I love you." He stated.

She grinned back before replying "I love you too." She mirrored his stance, clasping her hands in front of her grabbing of his between them, leaning against the painted wall of the diner. "What's wrong?"

Brian shook his head and looked at her "I'm just tired." He smiled "And hungry."

She laughed. Still holding his hand she pulled him up from his sloping position "C'mon then, I'm starving."

"Hey, how did your appointment go?" He asked, turning anxious.

"Fine." She smiled "Everything looked good, just gotta make sure I'm sleeping enough, if it's still not right within a week or two I have to go back and they're gonna give me pills or something, which I really don't want" She stressed.

"Okay, good." He smiled, kissing her forehead, gently walking her backwards towards the door of the diner. "It'll be fine."

They stepped inside and glanced around, it wasn't too busy but it wasn't exactly quiet either.

"Wanna just get it to go?" She murmured quietly.

"You read my mind." He laughed in return.

/

"What time do you go on shift tonight?" Olivia questioned, setting a steaming mug down on the coffee table.

Her words tore Brian from his thoughts "Eh it's meant to be 8-8 I think…Alan has to leave early or something, asked me to cover his last two hours…I don't have to…" He stated, the last time he stayed on at work for someone, Olivia was attacked.

"No." Olivia shook her head "It's okay. I'll be fine." She smiled.

"You sure? I can get Greg to do it, he'll…"

"Bri, it's okay. I'll be fine. I'll be asleep most of the time anyway, you don't need to worry." She stressed. "I'm not going to break."

Brian nodded, he knew she hated when people treated her like glass "I know." He kissed her head as she cuddled in at his side "I know. I just worry, you can't tell me not to."

Moments passed and Brian fought with the filter in his brain that kept telling him to tell Olivia about Elliot. He wanted to wait. He knew he wouldn't be around tonight and didn't want her freaking out about anything and everything while he wasn't here to help. He tried to keep his mouth shut but before he knew it, his mouth opened and out came…

"I have to tell you something that I really don't wanna tell you."

Olivia's body went rigid. Her heart beating faster and faster, her mind racing, thinking of every possible statement that her boyfriend was about to come out with. She sat up and faced him, he looked uneasy, nervous even. He leaned forward and took a hold of her hands in his before bringing them to his lips and kissing her knuckles.

"Please don't shut me out okay?" He asked. "You have to talk to me. You know I'm here and I'm not leaving."

She just nodded "Is it bad? Can I ask that? Is someone…"

"I don't know if it's bad or not, it doesn't really have anything to do with me I guess. It's all up to you."

Olivia drew her head back slightly "I don't understand…" She muttered

Brian felt her hands shaking slightly. He gently ran his thumbs across the back of her hands, his mind trying to find the right words to say but nothing was coming. Eventually he just blurted out

"Elliot called."

Olivia's face clenched in confusion, her heart still beating a million miles a minute. "I…when?" She asked, her mind barely functioning enough to project a proper sentence.

"Yesterday…" Brian explained "He called the station, spoke to Cragen…" Mid-sentence Olivia stood up, started pacing back and forth behind the couch, one hand covering her mouth. "Munch texted me, telling me to call him ASAP but I didn't get it until this morning anyway so when you were at your appointment I went to see him, and that's when he told me."

Olivia kept pacing "Three years" She whispered "He hasn't spoken to me in three years and now he cares?" Her voice getting louder with each word that flowed from her mouth. "What does he want?"

Brian hesitated before continuing "He wants to know how you are, I told Munch just to tell him you're fine, and they did. But he wants to hear it from you. He says he knows when you're lying and he wants to make sure you are okay."

Olivia laughed, feeling the tears sting behind her eyes "Now he cares." She stopped in front of the window, gazing out onto the city "I don't…I don't care. He left. He has no right to talk like that anymore. He was my best friend and he just left."

Brian stood behind her, carefully putting his hands on her hips. "I know. You don't have to talk to him if you don't want to. No one is gonna make you do anything." He kissed the top of her head. Her hands latched onto his arms, her nails scraping the skin.

"I don't wanna talk to him." She stated boldly. "No. Let Munch or Cragen tell him I'm fine."

"Okay." They stood in front of the window for a while longer, just being.

"C'mon" Brian gently took her hand and pulled her towards the bedroom. Olivia followed blindly.

"I need to sleep before tonight and you haven't had a decent sleep in weeks." He said as he walked over to the window and pulled the curtains closed, bathing the room in darkness. Olivia flicked the switch for the bedside light as she grabbed a shirt and sweats and headed towards the bathroom to change.

"You can change in here you know, I've seen it all before." He smirked.

She smiled back "Not like this you haven't."

"Hey." He called before she stepped out of the room. "Come in here." He held out his hand.

"Please don't make me…" She whispered.

"What are you afraid of?" He asked as he sat on the edge of the bed, she just shrugged as he said "I love you Olivia Benson. All of you. Every single tiny detail."

She kept pulling at the oversized t-shirt in her hands, flinching slightly as Brian took a hold of the edges of her white t-shirt she was wearing and pulled it up slowly. She closed her eyes, but didn't stop him as the shirt came up over her stomach, revealing a couple of small scars from where Lewis has burned her. Brian leaned forward and kissed each scar, four of them in total. Olivia gently touched the back of his head, tears filling her eyes as he whispered how beautiful she was and how much he loved her. He removed her shirt completely and replaced it with her oversized green one.

"You. Are. So. Beautiful." He kissed her after each word, wiping the tears from her eyes and pulling her down onto his lap.

"I'm scared." She whispered.

"I know." He replied, his hands coming to rest around her body. "But you don't have to be."

/

"Babe…I'm gonna go in and see Cragen and the guys okay? I'll be back later, I have my cell." Olivia whispered to Brian as she shook him awake slightly so he could hear her and not freak out when she wasn't there. It was half past eleven and he had only gotten home for work three hours before and collapsed in the bed when he did.

"Mmm." He mumbled back, burying his face deeper into the pillow.

"My god, you're like a child" She laughed as she ran her hand through his hair "Did you hear me?" She questioned.

"Yeah." He turned over, he's eyes squinting in the light of the late afternoon. "Want me to come with you?" He asked, trying to betray his exhausted body and sit up.

"Don't be stupid" She laughed, pushing him back down into the bed "Sleep. I'll call you when I'm done"

He grabbed her hand as she tried to leave and pulled her back onto the bed, wrapping his strong arms around her slender body. "Stay with me" He muffled into the pillow as she laughed.

"C'mon Bri, I'm ready to go!" She laughed as he tightened his grip.

"No shoes on the bed." He mumbled.

Olivia burst out laughing, staring down at her own converse clad feet that were laid over the mound of covers that hid Brian's legs from the world. "Too late." She whispered against his cheek as she gave him one final kiss before clambering over his body and out of the apartment.

/

"Are you sure you're ready Liv? Especially coming back into SVU?" Cragen questioned, the father figure in him replacing the dutiful Captain.

"What else would I do?" She chuckled "SVU is all I know, it's what I'm good at. He's already taken my home, my ability to trust, to be alone, to…he's taken so much from me Cap, and I'm not letting him take SVU away from me as well." Olivia told him, sternly

Donald Cragen sat behind his desk, staring at the bravest, strongest, kindest person he's ever known, the daughter he never had, although he wouldn't admit it face to face, that's how he felt. "If you think you're ready then I'll be glad to bring you back Olivia. You just need to get the usual, script from your therapist, physical…all of that, then you're back."

Olivia smiled "Thank you."

As they both stood Cragen glanced out the window and saw Fin bolting up from his seat and angrily walking towards the entrance of the squad room. He told Olivia to wait in his office as he hurried out to meet the man who had just arrived.

"What the hell are you doing here?" He asked, keeping his voice low.

"That's just what I asked." Fin piped up, his arms folded over his chest.

"Nice to see you too, Cap" Elliot laughed.

"You need to leave, now." Cragen stated, pointing back towards the entrance.

"I just got here, can't we catch up first?" Elliot glanced around the room, Nick and Amanda were now on their feet, Amanda cautiously glancing between Elliot and Cragen's office, hoping to god that Olivia didn't walk out any moment soon. But god mustn't have been listening.

"Hey Cap, I've gotta…" Olivia stopped in her tracks, her blood ran cold as she opened the door, preparing to leave.

"Hey Liv." Elliot smiled

She didn't say anything, she just stood, staring. At Elliot Stabler, in the flesh. He still looked the exact same as he did the last time she saw him after their interrogation from IAB after Jenna's shooting. Olivia glanced around at her colleagues, Fin started to walk towards her, concern gracing his face.

"Liv…" He placed a hand on her arm.

"I'm gonna…erm…" She nodded towards one of the interrogation rooms in the back.

"Want me to call…"

"No." She stopped him before he could mention Brian. "I will." Fin nodded, knowing full well she wasn't going to tell Brian.

As Olivia walked off shes heard Fin go off on Elliot. She slammed open the heavy door and let it crash closed behind her. Pacing the room she tried to take deep breaths and clear her mind. _Why is he here!? _She repeated over and over in her mind.

/

"Cassidy? It's Don Cragen."

Brian bolted up in bed, disorientated from lack of sleep. "What's happened? Is Liv okay?"

"You might wanna get down here. Elliot just turned up about twenty minutes ago and he's determined to speak to her.

"Where is she?" Brian questioned, pacing around the room, struggling to pull his jeans on with one hand.

"She's locked herself in the interrogation room."

Brian momentarily pulled the phone from his ear while pulling on his t-shirt "She doesn't wanna see him. I told her yesterday that he'd called. I meant to call Munch to tell him but I forgot. She doesn't wanna see him or talk to him."

"I got that from the way she stormed outta here." Cragen explained. "You might wanna get down here soon."

After another twenty minutes, a record time for Brian, he stepped out of the elevator at the SVU squad room, almost crashing straight into Rollins.

"You look like hell, Cassidy." She said, concern flowing from her southern twang.

"I was on the nightshift, just finished at eight." He explained, running his hand through his hair. "Where's Liv?" He asked, stopping temporarily as he turned into the room and found Elliot standing in the middle, half leaning on Olivia's desk.

"Wow, Cassidy's here? It's like a reunion." Elliot joked, no one laughed.

"She's just back there." Amanda pointed towards the room and the other side of Cragen's office.

Just as Brian headed off Elliot piped up "Where are you off to?" Watching as Brian made his way back to where Olivia was hiding.

/

Knocking on the door, Brian watched through the double sided window at Olivia, sitting on the edge of the metal table, her legs swinging underneath her.

"Babe? It's me, open up." He called, watching her reaction, she seemed shocked.

"It's open." She stated. "Why are you here?" She questioned as he stepped into the room, closing the door behind him.

"Cragen called me. Told me you had hauled yourself up in an interrogation room." He chuckled, grateful when she smiled back for a second before her eyes went dark.

"Elliot's here."

"I know."

"I don't want him here." She mumbled.

"I know that too." He took a step closer and stood between her legs, she wrapped her arms around his waist, his hands coming up to gently massage her shoulders.

The pair stayed in the same position for a while before Cragen knocked and entered the room. "You okay, Olivia?"

She just nodded "Is he still here?" She asked

"He just wants to talk to you."

She gazed up at Brian. "It's up to you." He said quietly "I'm here if you need me." He smiled.

She took a deep breath in and announced

"Send him in."

* * *

_**like a lamb to the slaughter. **_  
_**HA.**_

_**please let me know what you think!**_  
_**It's the only way to know if I should continue or not!**_  
_**THANKS.**_


	7. Chapter 7

**_thank you to those who are still reading, dunno if anyone even is after the last chapter!  
haha!  
anyway, don't expect to see Elliot anymore after this chapter.  
and do we know if Cassidy has any siblings? I've just made them up for this story!_**

**_please let me know what you think!_**  
**_thanks so much._**

**_lyrics: white horse - taylor swift_**

* * *

_And there you are on your knees,_

_Begging for forgiveness, begging for me_

_Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry_

_Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale,_

_I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well_

_/_

Olivia took a few deep breaths as Cragen nodded and left the room in search of Elliot. She held onto Brian for a moment longer, her hands clinging to his sides, bunching his faded blue t-shirt in her fists.

"Want me to leave?" He asked quietly, running a hand softly through her hair as she leaned on his chest.

"No." She mumbled into his shirt "Just…I dunno, don't say anything." She laughed. "Don't get angry with him, just let me deal with it."

"Okay. I'll stand in the corner and keep my mouth shut." He laughed before kissing the top of her head and stepping back. He gazed into her dark eyes when they heard the heavy footsteps getting closer and closer.

"I'll be over here." Brian mouthed, pointing to the corner of the room, Olivia just nodded and faced the wall in front of her, waiting for Elliot's arrival. She took another deep breath in and placed her hands under her thighs as she sat, still perched on the heavy metal table. She heard a low mumbling of deep voices outside the room but couldn't quite make out the exact words.

"Why don't you come in and say whatever it is to my face?" She shouted angrily. _This is not the time to piss around_ she thought. Just get it over and done with and he'll leave again and everything will be fine.

She turned her face away from the door, a quick glance back at Brian who nodded back to her when Elliot entered the room, followed by Cragen.

"Could you give us a minute?" Elliot said, gesturing at Brian, who stood in the corner, leaning against the cold wall, his arms folded over his chest.

"No, he stays." Olivia stated. "Here's what's going to happen. You don't get to come back here after three damn years and expect me to open up to you. So I'm going to tell you I'm good, you're going to leave and never expect this to happen again, okay?"

Elliot stood in front of Olivia_, any closer and he'd on her fucking lap_ Brian thought as he scowled in Elliot's direction.

"You're not okay though, Liv." Elliot started, reaching a hand out to touch her arm.

She immediately pulled back laughing and slipped down from the table, walking around to the other side so they were at opposite ends.

"I'm fine Elliot." She started. "I mean it. You have no idea how I really am. You haven't spoken to me for three years remember? Years. Not days, not weeks, _years_." She stressed. "You left. Without a word. I get it, you had a rough time with what happened with Jenna and went into your shell like you do, I get that, trust me I do but really? Three years? Not even a text to say you were fine. Not a single word. I went through a kind of hell that you could never imagine but you know what? I didn't stop talking to my friends." She announced boldly. "These guys have been there for me every single second since this happened, any time I need anything, they are there and they are more than happy to help. I haven't asked them for much at all because let's face it, when do I ever ask for help? But trust me when I say that they are there for me, they have my back and my god I love them for it." She started pacing the room as she got more and more into her rant. "You called to see if I was okay? So here goes. I. am. Okay. I've been going to therapy, I hate it, my therapist is great but I hate talking about my feelings, but you know that already. Its helping, it really is." She pointed to Brian "Brian and I? I know you're wondering why he's here. We've been together for almost a year now and you know what? I love him." She grinned "I love him more than anything. He is amazing. Beyond amazing, really. He's been there for me at every single stage of this surviving process, he's put up with the nightmares and the no sleep and the screaming and hysterical sobbing at the four in the morning hallucinations because I am so tired I'm convinced Lewis is in the apartment. He has put up with so much shit from me and you know what? He is still here. And I don't care what you think about our relationship, I really don't." Olivia kept going, unaware that a crowd of Fin, Munch and Amanda had formed outside the room. "I never realised how much you took over my life until you weren't here anymore." She explained "You used to make digs at the dates I had, that's why I never had a decent relationship in what? Twelve years? And I used to listen to you! I have no idea why! I would convince myself that you were right and these guys weren't right for me and eventually I just stopped trying. You had this hold on me and I can't even describe it. It sounds insane, I know it does, when have I ever relied on a guy but my god Elliot, I never even noticed how much you took over my life until you left."

She stepped around the table, running a hand through her hair trying to calm herself down slightly. "I am fine." She stated. "You can go home now, to your wife, your kids, don't worry, your conscience is clear. You can sleep better tonight knowing you did your duty of checking on an old friend." She walked up to him, toe to toe, face to face. "Just don't do this again. You left. After twelve years of partnership and one hell of a friendship you left. You walked away and never said a word. So don't expect to come back into my life just like that." She said snapping her fingers in his face. "It's not gonna be that easy."

She stormed out of the room, past the guys on the other side of the window and headed straight for the bathroom.

/

"Liv? You okay?" Amanda hesitantly open the door to the women's bathroom to find a locked stall, she could hear Olivia's rapid breathing, indicating she was crying. She leaned down to the floor and peeked under the door to find Olivia sitting on the floor of the stall, her head in her hands, leaning forward on her knees.

"C'mon" She knocked gently "Open up."

She stepped back as she heard the lock slide and Olivia shifting to stand. "You need a hug?" Amanda asked.

Olivia laughed and shrugged as she stepped into the younger blondes open arms. "Thank you" She mumbled quietly.

"You told him good." Amanda jibbed as they separated from the hug.

Olivia laughed as she wiped the remaining tears from her eyes "Thanks."

"Can't have been easy"

Olivia shrugged "It was easier than I thought it would be." She quickly splashed water on her face "Seeing him again was odd, but I'm over it. I've got so much more to worry about now than him and what he thinks."

/

The guys sat surrounding their desks, Brian sitting in Olivia's seat as Cragen walked Elliot out of the squad room.

"Well, she told him." Fin announced, a proud smile plastered on his face. Both Brian and Nick chuckled at his reaction as Amanda and Olivia walked back into view.

"You okay?" Nick asked, genuinely worried about his partner.

"Yeah" She nodded "I'm good" She rested on the edge of her desk, gently kicking Brian's legs open to stand in between them. "You okay?" She whispered to him, her hand touching the side of his face.

"I'm proud of you." He quietly replied, kissing the palm of her hand.

"Thanks." She smiled.

"I don't know about anyone else but I could do with a drink." Munch announced, climbing to his feet. "Anyone feel like joining me?" Everybody nodded along and began grabbing coats and other belongings.

"You two lovebirds gonna join us?" Fin directed at Liv and Brian.

Brian shrugged at Olivia "You up to it?"

"Sure, why not?" She smiled and followed the rest of the team out of the squad room.

/

"You're drunk…" Brian mumbled his lips currently occupied by his girlfriends.

"Hmm. Tipsy" She smiled against his lips, pulling at the back of his neck, keeping his lips connected with hers. "I love you." She whispered as the separated for air.

"Love you more."

As the elevator doors slide open Brian grabbed his girlfriend by her legs, hoisting her up so her legs wrapped around his waist. She let out a full, whole-hearted laugh as he stumbled towards the front door of his apartment, his lips gluing themselves back onto hers. He struggled for a few seconds getting the key out of his pocket. Keeping Olivia wrapped around him, he kicked the door in and pushed it closed. Olivia, with her back now pressed against the door, grabbed at Brian's jacket, shoving it to the floor. Olivia's jacket soon followed. The couple both hesitated for a second as Brian's hands gripped the edge of Olivia's shirt.

"You sure?" He whispered

She didn't say a word. Grabbing the ends of her shirt, she pulled the offending material over her head and threw it to the floor. They both grinned as clothes started flying, only to be interrupted by the shrill ringing of the phone.

"Uh, leave it." Olivia whispered as her man's lips made their way down her taunt stomach.

"I am." He laughed, as he began unbuttoning her jeans.

"_Brian….I know you're there. Pick up the damn phone_!" The sound of Brian's mother's angry voice bellowed through the answering machine.

Olivia burst out laughing "Oh my god, answer the phone." She grabbed his head, pulling it back up her body and kissed him hard on the mouth. "Answer it. I'm not being the reason you're ignoring your mother!" She laughed.

"Worst. Timing. Ever." He muttered, stumbling over his half undone jeans to the kitchen counter and grabbed the portable phone from the holder.

"Ma, what's up?" He asked

"What are you doing next weekend?"

"It's next weekend Ma, I don't know what I'm doing." He paced around the room, watching as Olivia stood up, pulling her bra strap back up her shoulder and sorting her jeans. He shook his head and pointed at her and then the bedroom grinning like an idiot as she shook her head and laughed, mouthing the words _'moments ruined'_ in his direction.

"_It's Oscar's birthday! Are you coming to Connecticut this year? You've missed the last couple of years."_

"I was undercover Ma, that's not my fault, Kerry knows that."

_"I know she does. She's very understanding. So are you coming?" _His mother persisted

"I have no idea. I'll see what shifts I've got, I can't promise anything." Brian rolled his eyes as Olivia gave him a confused stare.

"_Well, it would be great to have the family together again. Leanne is coming up with Darren and the kids. You should bring Olivia! You know how I feel about her, it's about time she met your sisters!"_

"I'll see what she says." All of a sudden hesitant at his mother's request for Olivia to meet the family.

"_How is she anyway? Is she any better?" _

"She's good Ma, she's doing really good." Brian smiled in the direction of his girlfriend.

"_Good, I'm glad. I wanna see her soon you know? It's been a while!" _

"We'll sort something, I'll call you tomorrow Ma, love you."

"_Love you too Son."_

They hung up quickly and Olivia laughed once again as Brian threw the phone on the sofa and dragged her into the bedroom.

"Hi" He whispered, his lips joining hers again.

"What was all that about?" She asked

"My nephew's birthday. Wants to know if we're going…"

"What?" Olivia stood back, her hands braced on his shoulders. "When?"

"Next weekend, its Oscar's birthday and the family usually always gets together when it's one of the kids birthdays. I've missed the last couple with being undercover." He told her, his body riddled with guilt.

"Tell me about them." She pressed. Lying down, her head in his lap as he sat back against the headboard, his hand coming to rest in her hair.

"Oh…well, they're pretty awesome." He grinned. "Leanne, my older sister has two boys. Jamie is thirteen now, I think he's thirteen, might have to double check on that." He laughed "Rowan is seven. Kerry, the younger one has three kids now. Oscar is gonna be five, it's his birthday next week. Summer is three and she just had another baby girl, Amelia, she's what? Two, three month's maybe?" Olivia smiled as she watched Brian talking about his family, his eyes seemed to light up when he mentioned them.

"Oscar is convinced he's gonna be a detective by the way, just to warn you."

"Oh I better be prepared for questioning then?" She chuckled.

"You wanna come up? Meet my sisters? They're insane, you should know that now."

"Yeah, why not? You've missed enough of their lives. You should get back into a routine, seeing them when you can."

"Thank you." He mumbled, leaning down and kissing her softly.

"Oh, back to this are we." She slurred against him, getting drunk on his kiss.

"Yep."

The phone rang again but they both groaned and ignored it, neither one of them caring what was to be said, it could wait.

"_Hi, I'm calling for Olivia Benson, This was the contact number you left. Its Martin Hayward here, your landlord just to let you know that you're apartment has been sorted and is now ready to move back into. If you could let me know as soon as possible what you're plans are that would be great._

_Thanks_

_Bye."_

/

* * *

_**continue or not!?**_  
_**how's Olivia gonna feel about her apartment situation?**_  
_**dabsiovfbdv o.**_

_**THANK YOU.**_


	8. Chapter 8

_**finally got this done! hope you all enjoy!**_  
_**i got my first hate comment on my new story this week which was fun**_  
_**apparently i need to make up my stupid mind about what happens...**_  
_**i thought the point of me writing the thing was for you to wait and see what happens?**_  
_**i already know what's going to happen...because i'm writing the bloody thing!**_  
_**I also got asked if I was as stupid as Miley Cyrus...really? i thought she was a special kind of headcase.**_  
_**oh well. made me laugh anyway.**_

_**for those of you who don't know, i started a new fic called 'another man loved me last night'**_  
_**go check it out!  
**_  
_**meanwhile, i hope you all enjoy this story!**_  
_**and please let me know what you think of this new chapter!  
it's just kind of a filler chapter i guess.**_

_**lyrics: best of you - foo fighters**_

* * *

_My heart is under arrest again  
But I break loose  
My head is giving me life or death  
But I can't choose  
I swear I'll never give in  
I refuse_

/

"Babe, its fine…"

"NO! It's not." Olivia grabbed her robe from the edge of the bed, hastily throwing it on over her underwear before storming out of the bedroom. She began pacing back and forth in the living room, her hands running through her hair. _Damn flashbacks. Damn you straight to hell_ she thought.

"It's okay." Brian told her quietly, trying to calm her down. He stood against the bedroom door frame, his arms folded over his chest watching as she fought an inner battle with herself.

"It's not okay. God I can't even have sex with you anymore!" She growled, feeling beyond frustrated with herself. "I just can't get him out of my head. I want to…" She started "Believe me I do, It just happens at the worst times." She looks up at him with tears in her eyes "I'm so sorry." She mouthed.

"Hey, shut up." He stepped over to her, pulling her into his arms and holding her tight. "You have nothing to be sorry for." He started, running a hand up to the back of her head. "I understand. I'm not gonna push you or pressure you, I'm not gonna get mad at you and I am _not_ going to leave you." He stressed, pressing his lips into her hair. "You just need to take it one step at a time."

"I am. I'm ready, god babe, I am so ready." She whispered, standing on her tiptoes, pressing her forehead against his, their lips barely touching. "I want you so much."

"One step at a time." He mumbled against her lips, teasing them softly.

"One step at a time." She repeated.

They stood in the middle of the room holding each other, one hand slowly rubbing her back as the other linked their fingers together, his thumb gently caressing the back of her hand.

"I'll go make you some tea." He said quietly, once again pressing his lips to her head.

She just nodded and took a seat on the couch grabbing the throw from the back and pulling it over her legs.

"Check the message on the machine…" She pointed towards the answering machine, flashing that there was a new message. Brian leaned over the counter, pushing the play button and turning back to fix Olivia her tea.

"It's probably work." He called back to her just before the message began.

"_Hi, I'm calling for Olivia Benson, This was the contact number you left. Its Martin Hayward here, your landlord just to let you know that you're apartment has been sorted and is now ready to move back into. If you could let me know as soon as possible what you're plans are that would be great._

_Thanks_

_Bye."_

Brian turned his head and watched his girlfriend stiffen in her seat. Her apartment, where she was attacked, beaten, burned and broken was by all means back to rights, they had called someone to come in and clear the place out, remove the wrecked furniture, tidy the place up, not once thinking about what would happen when it was finished. _Why tonight?_ He thought. Olivia had been through enough this week with the reappearance of Elliot and their less than pleasant confrontation, her frustrated feelings with herself over the uncontrollable flashbacks she had just experienced while almost having sex, she'd been through enough already and it didn't look like she was going to catch a break anytime soon.

"Liv…" Brian cautiously stepped towards her.

"No." She shook her head, standing from her seat and backing up against the wall. "I can't…"

"Liv, it's okay."

"I…" Her eyes widened as her breathing got harder. She started pacing again, the room caving in on her. She shook her head and covered her face with her hands. "I can't do this!" She screamed. "I can't deal with this anymore. He's everywhere! God, there is always something, I can't escape it!" She kept pacing, round and round the living room. Brian helplessly watched as the tears fell from her eyes, he felt his own tears prick as he watched her break down right in front of him, she had kept everything so locked up for so long that he knew this would happen eventually and hated himself for being so unable to stop it.

"Babe…" He reached for her but she slapped him away.

"No! I can't...I just…it's too much." She sobbed as she fell against the side of the kitchen counter. She was struggling to breathe, her hand came up to clamp over her chest as her body wracked with sobs.

"Why didn't he just kill me? I wish he had." She sobbed as she fell to the floor. "Things would be so much easier if I wasn't here."

Brian rushed to her side, dropped to his knees and grabbed her by the shoulders. "Don't you ever say that again." He growled. "Don't you dare say that again." He didn't even bother to wipe the tears that were making tracks down his face.

Olivia just sobbed harder as she grabbed his shirt as her breathing got worse. "I can't…"

Brian placed his hands on either side of her face "Breathe baby." He whispered. "Look at me. Just breathe…" He began taking slow, deep breaths, trying to get her to copy him. "It's okay, you're gonna be fine, I promise. Just breathe." His right arm gently pulled her to him as he sat down in front of her on the hardwood floor. She continued to struggle for breath as her nails dug into the flesh of his arm "Olivia. Breathe." He stated. "Look at me, copy me okay?" He started taking deep breaths "Come here…" He pulled her to sit in between his legs, hers draped around his waist. He leaned his forehead against hers and encouraged her breathing.

"That's it, deep breaths." He told her as her hands latched onto the front of his shirt. "I love you so much Olivia." He whispered as he kissed her forehead. He kept taking deep breaths with her until she eventually calmed down and they sat, bodies wrapped around each other in the middle of his apartment.

"I'm sorry for saying that." She mumbled after a long bout of silence.

"What?"

"I wish I had died. I'm sorry I said it." She wrapped her arms tighter around his waist.

"I can't imagine my life without you Liv." He pressed his face to the top of her head. "I can't…" He stopped as the tears began again. "God I love you so much." He said, his voice trying to convey the emotion he felt for her.

"I love you too." She tipped her head up from his chest and pressed a soft kiss to his lips before reaching a hand up to cup his face. "So much."

/

"It's been a rough week"

"Why is that?"

Olivia sat once again in her therapist's office. He was a fantastic therapist, easy enough to talk to, she felt safe in his office, talking to him without risk of judgment.

"Well, my ex-partner showed up, he hasn't spoken to me in…three years?" She started explaining. "He wanted to see how I was, so we had a bit of a showdown and then he left. Then I tried to have sex with Brian and had a flashback that terrified to my very soul, so that was ruined and the same night there was a message on his machine from my landlord saying my apartment was ready…" She rambled

"Okay, let's take it one point at a time." Dr Roberts started. "Your ex-partner…"

"Elliot" She couldn't bear hearing the term ex-partner any longer, the past is the past.

"Elliot, he turned up and what happened?"

Olivia sighed as she recalled the events "He called my squad, asking how I was…eight weeks after it all mind you. They told him I was fine but he wouldn't take it. He ended up turning up to the squad room when I was in a meeting with my captain."

"How did you feel? Seeing him again after so long"

"Frustrated." She replied "After he left he never said a word. To anyone. I was his partner for twelve years and he didn't even text me to tell me he was okay."

"So what happened? When he turned up, how did you react?"

"I basically had it out with him. Told him how I was, what I was feeling, how I felt when he left, about Brian and I…just lashed it all out." She shrugged

"Do you feel better for that? Having finally confronted him? I'm guessing you two were close."

Olivia thought back to her twelve years spent as Elliot Stabler's partner "Yeah, we were close." She muttered "I feel better having seen him, finally telling him everything I've wanted to tell him for so long. The past is the past, I have a new partner, a new life pretty much since he left and I need to focus on that now and stop dwelling on what could have been. " She smiled, thinking about Brian, her squad, they were her family.

"What about you're apartment? You said it's ready to move in to?"

"I'm not going back." She stated firmly. "No chance, I can't."

"Okay, that's completely understandable." Dr Roberts nodded "How's things with Brian? Still going strong?"

Olivia smiled "Yeah. He's amazing." She told him "Jeez, I'm talking like a school girl with a crush" She laughed, a slight blush showing on her cheeks. "But yes, he is amazing, we are amazing."

"You mentioned the intimacy issue…how did that go?"

"Terrible. We tried to…you know…" She ducked her head slightly, getting embarrassed. "I just panicked, I closed my eyes and saw Lewis standing over me, it was just for a split second but it really got to me. I got so irritated with myself for letting it happen."

"You don't let these things happen, Olivia. They just do and always at the most inopportune moments. It's a normal occurrence when someone has been assaulted."

"I know that, I do." Olivia stressed "But my god I just want to make love to my boyfriend again."

"It'll happen, just give it time." He explained "Other than that, how are things with you both?"

"Good, great even. I am no longer as scared to be in the apartment alone while he is working, we always check in with each other, no secrets anymore." She smiled. "I'm meeting his sisters this weekend." She added.

"You are? How nervous are you for that?" Dr Roberts laughed.

"Pretty nervous." She chuckled "I've met his mom already, she is lovely. We are heading up to his younger sister's this weekend place this weekend, staying for three days. It's his nephew's birthday and they all get together when one of the little ones has a birthday. Brian has been undercover for the last couple of years, so this be his first time in a while, I'm excited for him." She smiled "He loves his family a lot."

"This will be a new experience for you. It's a big step, meeting the family."

"I know, we're ready for it. I'm ready for it. I just need some good in my life." Olivia pointed out "Everything has been stress after stress recently."

"It'll do you some good to get away for a few days, out of the city, both of you."

"I hope so."

/

"Babe, I'm back!" She hollered through the small apartment, grinning when she saw Brian walking towards her.

"Hi" He mumbled, automatically pressing his lips against hers and gently pushing her against the door. "How was therapy?" "He muttered against her lips.

"Good." She smiled when he gently nibbled her bottom lip "Hmm, not as good as this though" She reached up and laced a hand into his hair, keeping his face against hers.

He pulled back and guided her through to the bedroom, a glass of her favourite wine in his hand. "Take this…" He said, handing her the glass "And give me that…" He started to pull her jacket from her shoulders. "And go in there." He pointed to the bathroom "Take as long as you want. Relax, you deserve it." He smiled and left her alone. Her brow creased with confusion she slowly opened the bathroom door and gasped. He had run her a bubble bath, candles, music, the whole lot. She put her hand over the lips, grinning as she set her wine down on the counter top and quickly stepped back into the living room and grabbed him by the waist, kissing him hard on the mouth.

"You are a hopeless romantic. Thank you." She smiled.

"No, I'm not. So take advantage of it while you can." He joked gently slapping her behind. "Go." He shooed her away.

"I love you!" She called as she practically ran to the warm, waiting bubble bath.

After almost an hour Olivia emerged from the tub, she stepped into the living room, her short hair up in a worn ponytail and her boyfriend's dark blue robe drowning her smaller frame, her hands covered by the sleeves as she covered her mouth which was once again plastered with a grin.

"Thank you." She whispered as she leaned over the back of the couch and kissed him.

"No need to thank me." He replied "Come here." He opened his arm for her to lay down beside him.

"No one's ever done that for me before." She told him truthfully.

"I've never done that for anyone before." He replied, smiling as she leaned up to kiss him again.

"You ready for this weekend?" She asked

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" He joked

"I'm ready. I'm excited, is that weird? That I'm excited to meet your family?"

He shook his head and tightened his arms around her. "Maybe, a little" He joked "I'm excited for them to meet you. The kids are going to love you, I just know it. My sisters will too." He added.

"I hope so."

/

* * *

_**TA DAAAAH.**_  
_**hope you like it!**_  
_**continue or not?**_  
_**let me know what you think!**_

_**THANKS**_


	9. Chapter 9

_**finally got another one written! hope you all enjoy!**_  
_**thanks for still sticking with this story!**_  
_**it means a lot!**_

_**remember and review! let me know if you want me to continue or not!**_

_**i have more of this but it's better to split into two again as it's too big for one chapter i think!**_

_**also, i updated 'another man loved me last night' for those of you who read that! not sure if anyone has read it! haha!**_

_**lyrics: bonfire heart - james blunt**_

* * *

_Days like these lead to...  
Nights like this lead to  
Love like ours.  
You light the spark in my bonfire heart._

_/_

"You almost ready?" Brian called through to the bedroom.

Olivia stood in the middle of their bedroom, well technically, his bedroom. It was practically theirs now, she was yet to even consider stepping a foot back into her own apartment and her boyfriend was completely understanding. She took one last quick glance around the room, spotting her cell phone lying on the bedside drawer and grabbed it, shoving it hastily into the pocket of her dark skinny jeans.

"Yeah, I think so." She mumbled back, grasping at the handles of the grey overnight bag that lay on the bed. She switched off the lights and picked up the brown file from the coffee table before stepping next to Brian.

"Quick stop first?" She held the folder containing her therapist's signed script up over her mouth, her eyes lighting up a little at the prospect of finally returning to work.

"Of course" Brian smiled and tried to take the bag from her hand only for her to shush him away insisting she could carry her own bag. The pair took one last glance around the apartment ensuring they had all they would need for their next three days in Connecticut.

"You still excited?" Brian grinned, almost laughing as her eyes widened as she glanced back at him.

"Sure, why not? Excited, terrified. They're the same thing right?" She joked as she leaned up to his taller frame, capturing his lips with hers.

"I love you." She whispered against his lips.

"Hmm, you're not so bad yourself." He grinned, deepening the kiss, bringing his hand up to cup her face. "You sure we can't just leave later?" He asked, his other hand making its way slowly down her back.

"We should've left an hour ago." She mumbled, dropping the bag and gripping his collar, pulling him with her until she was leaning on the wall behind the door.

The couple made out heavily for a few minutes before Olivia broke it off. "Come on. We have to go." She announced boldly, grabbing the handle of her bag once more and pulling open the door, taking charge of the situation.

Brian groaned and banged his head against the wall, taking a hold of the last two bags and stepping out the door. The walked together towards the elevator before Olivia reached into his jacket pocket and took his keys before dropping her bag at his feet and rushing off in the direction of their front door.

"Forgot my purse!"

/

"So when will you be back?"

"We'd planned to leave on Monday, but if you need me back at…"

Cragen held up his hand to stop her "Olivia, go, have fun and enjoy yourself, enjoy Brian and the free time you have together, away from here, away from the city. God knows you deserve it."

Olivia smiled, feeling herself get slightly emotional at the prospect of spending the next three days completely out of her comfort zone meeting her other-half's family.

"You can start back on Wednesday." Cragen ordered "See you bright and early"

"Thanks Cap, you will." Olivia grinned gratefully as she turned to leave.

"Hey Liv, have a great weekend." He called back to her.

"You too." She smiled as she left her captain's office to find Brian laughing and joking with Amanda and Fin.

"You ready?" He asked, reaching his arm out to her which she gladly stepped into, placing her own arm around his shoulders.

"Sure am." She chuckled

"Have fun kids" Amanda waved to them before heading back towards the interrogation room to no doubt ruffle some feathers with an accused predator.

/

"I hate the radio." Olivia mumbled as she messed with buttons on the dashboard trying to find anything that resembled good music and not this teeny-bob 'I-love-you-so-much' 'best-song-ever' rat spew that seemed to be pouring out of the speakers every second of the day.

"There's some CD's in the glove box" Brian reached over and opened the box, his hand coming to rest on Olivia's thigh.

"You're just wanting to feel me up." She joked as she pulled a mess of discs and plastic cases from the glove box.

"Of course" He grinned smugly, his hand squeezing her thigh.

Olivia sifted through the cd's, checking the backs for any of her favourite songs before finally grinning and with a swift 'ah ha!' ramming the disc as quick as should could into the machine to stop the poison of today's music bursting her ear drums.

"Now _this_ is music." She smiled as the drum beat hit and the unique, undeniable sound of 80's rock blasted throughout the car. Brian laughed out loud as he watched her practically head banging in the front seat of his car singing all the words to 'Paradise City'

"I think I love you even more now." Brian told her. She turned to face him, still singing along, singing to him, not caring if she sounded like a bag of cats or if she sounded like the greatest singer in the world. He loved her no matter what. She had never acted so carefree in front of a boyfriend before, not that she had many over the years, she had always acted so professional at work and at home, maybe that was her problem, she just needed to let her hair down once in a while.

After spending two hours blaring out lyrics to the likes of Guns N Roses, Meatloaf, Aerosmith, Bon Jovi and a collection of other rock bands the pair had stopped off at a roadside diner for lunch. Both needing to rehydrate their throats after singing along for so long.

The sat and picked at their food while gazing around the typical 50's style diner which seemed to be a popular spot at this time of day. Olivia couldn't take her eyes off the couple sitting behind and opposite Brian. A mother and father trying to control their over-active son. Brian noticed the look on his girlfriend's face, she wasn't paying the slightest attention to him and he turned his head to see why.

He watched as the child stood on his chair holding up a French fry in his hand asking everyone around them if they wanted some of his food.

"Oscar used to do that." Olivia shook herself from the trance she didn't even realise she was in.

"Hmm?"

"Oscar. He used to offer everyone his food. Still does sometimes." He nodded towards the child behind him. "Now it's usually just when he gets vegetables, he's not a fan." He chuckled.

"What kid is?" She jokes.

"You'd make a great mom" He said quietly, staring down at his plate. He looked up just in time to see a flash of hurt cross her face as she offered him a small smile. "Sorry. I probably shouldn't have said that" His voice quieter than before.

She shook her head and replied "Its fine." She glanced back over at the child who was now sitting quietly munching away. They sat content in almost silence for a while before heading back out on the road.

/

As they pulled into the very desperate housewives-esqe street Olivia took notice of the perfectly cut grass, the white picket fences, the occasional yard littered with children's toys and outdoor play sets.

"I'm feeling very out of place right now." She told her boyfriend as she stared out the window.

"Don't worry. I always do." He laughed.

"Seriously…it's very…"

"Brady Bunch?" He interrupted

"Yeah." She laughed.

Olivia gazed out the window again, her stomach bursting with nerves as she noticed a white wooden porch, laced with balloons, all different shades of blue. She took a deep breath in as they got closer and Brian pulled up into the driveway. They both sat for a second, preparing themselves for the long weekend ahead. He reached over and grabbed her hand, squeezing it tight in his before pulling it to his lips and kissing her knuckles. She smiled and squeezed his hand, leaning over the console to kiss him firmly on the mouth, telling him without words that she was okay.

Just as they were climbing from the car Olivia whipped her head round as she heard a child screaming for his 'uncle Brian', her heart clenched tight as she watched the scene unfold. The little boy, she was guessing was Oscar, ran at lightning speed, fearlessly diving down the five or six steps from the porch to the concrete ground before taking off and throwing himself into Brian's arms.

"Who are you?!" Brian joked as he threw the young boy over his shoulder "Who are you!? You are far too big now to be my nephew."

Oscar laughed and kicked his legs "It's me! Uncle Brian! It's me!" He continued to laugh as Brian spun around a few times before setting the boy back down on his feet.

Olivia's gaze focused back on the front door as a tiny little girl in a pale green dress and white sandals ran to the edge of the stairs, her body language screamed excitement as she tried as fast as her little legs would take her to get down the steps.

"Summer! Careful on the stairs!" Brian shouted over as she grabbed the wooden railing and took the steps at ease, making sure both feet were firmly on one before she even thought about taking another one.

Once she hit the ground she took off, running as fast as she could, a mass of dark blonde waves falling down her back she dived into Brian's arms, giggling as he lifted her high above his head.

"Hey Peach!" Brian grinned as she squealed when he pretended to drop her, only to catch her at settle the cheery, little blonde on his hip.

"Guys, I want you to meet somebody." Brian said as he nodded for Olivia to step closer. "This is Olivia." He pointed to her as he leaned into Summer a little and whispered in her ear but loud enough for Olivia to hear "She's very special."

"Hey guys." Olivia stood beside Brian, clutching his hand as he took a hold of hers.

Oscar looked her up and down "Are you here for my party?" He asked inquisitively, his head tipped to the side.

/

"Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in!" Brian's sister Kerry laughed as she embraced her older brother, who currently still had her young daughter attached to his hip. "And you must be Olivia?" She reached out and hugged Olivia, much to the detectives surprise.

"It's so nice to meet all of you" Olivia said, glancing around the open plan house.

"Are you kidding? We heard Brian was in a relationship, stunned as we were at that by the way, mom then told us you were smart, gorgeous and funny, we just had to meet you." Kerry laughed as she ushered everyone into the large, spacious kitchen.

"You have a beautiful home." Olivia told her, admiring the large kitchen that had a glass wall looking out into the grand back yard.

"Thank you very much. Took us a while, but we're finally settled" She smiled

"Leanne here yet?" Brian asked as he sat his niece down on the edge of the breakfast counter.

"She called about an hour ago, they were in the city and Darren wanted to stop for a bit so they should be here later on I think."

"Of course he did…" Brian muttered. Olivia glanced at him, her eyebrows clenched in confusion.

"Don't mind him." Kerry said, handing her a steaming mug of coffee "He's not Darren's biggest fan."

"Neither are you!" He announced, stunning Summer. she opened her eyes wide and glared up at him, a worried expression on her face at the use of his raised voice.

"Sorry sweetheart." He kissed the top of her head, gently ruffling her blonde tresses "I didn't mean to be loud"

Olivia smiled at the sweet moment between Brian and his niece, she had never seen him around kids before, or his family before, except for his mother. She had a feeling she was going to see a completely different side to him this weekend.

/

"So why don't you like Darren?" Olivia asked as her and Brian got settled into the spare room that his younger sister had kindly set up for the two of them.

"It's a Long story, let's not get into it…" He started as he open one of the bags and started pulling out clothes.

"Okay…" She tried to let it go but couldn't "You wanna give me a clue?" She asked, standing at the other side of the bed from him, watching his demeanour change.

"Not really Liv. Look, it happened a while ago, Leanne got over it, I guess the rest of us have to as well. Although it seemed to be easier for her than us."

"He cheated on her?" Olivia could feel the tension.

Brian gave in a proceeded to divulge the short version of the story "She had just given birth to Rowan. Jamie was about five at the time. Darren started banging his secretary because quote 'he wasn't getting it at home'." Brian angrily started stomping around while sorting out their stuff. "I really don't like the guy." He groaned "He's so pretentious, he comes from money and looks down on us as if we're scum. That doesn't bother me but he married into this family. He doesn't get to treat us or my sister for that fact, like shit."

Olivia walked over and put her arms around his neck. "Shhhh." She whispered to him, pressing her lips to his chest. "Want me to shoot him?" She joked

"Could you?" He pulled back with a gleam in his eye.

She shook her head and laughed "No, but I can act all 'badass Benson' around him if you like?"

He smiled "That would be nice."

Just as they started kissing and Brian's hands started wandering a tiny human burst through the door, causing them to jump apart. They both sniggered when they heard "Oscar! I told you to knock first!" Being shouted from downstairs.

"Sorry Mommy!" The little boy shouted back "Uncle Brian you have to come play with me!" He started jumping up and down on the spot excitedly.

"Can't it wait buddy? And what happened to the word please?" He lightly scolded

"Please! And Why?" He asked "What were you guys doing?"

Brian went slightly red in the face and Olivia tried to hold back a laugh "Nothing." He replied, hoping that would curse the young boy's curiosity but it didn't. Oscar stood still and looked between the pair before bolting from the room

"MOMMY!" He screamed running at speed, his trainers clomping on the wooden floors as he took off down the hallway "UNCLE BRIAN WAS KISSING OLIVIA!"

/

* * *

_**continue or not?**_  
_**what do you all think of the family thing?**_  
_**NOT SURE.**_

_**let me know.**_

_**THANKS X**_


	10. Chapter 10

_**10 CHAPTERS!? 10!  
AHAHAHA.  
I didn't even think this would be liked enough for me to write 5!  
THANK YOU SO MUCH!  
you guys are the reason I'm still writing this!**_

_**think I could get up to 100 reviews for my 10th chapter? haha!**_  
_**how cool would that be?**_

_**I couldn't think of anything for this so I apologise if you all hate it.**_  
_**You have no idea how many times the plot for this story has changed in my head!**_  
_**I think I finally have a track for it now though.**_

_**Please let me know what you all think!**_  
_**and a MASSIVE thank you to everyone who is still sticking with this!**_  
_**It means the world!**_

_**lyrics: wings - birdy**_

* * *

_In the moment we're lost and found_  
_I just wanna be by your side_  
_If these wings could fly_

.

The more time she spent around Brian's family, the more Olivia's nerves just slipped away. His sisters had welcomed her with open arms, practically treating her like their sister already. They laughed and joked about Brian in his younger days and told her all his embarrassing secrets.

"Oh my gosh! I know have photos somewhere!" Kerry announced, jumping from her seat on the couch and practically sprinted up the stairs.

"Don't you…oh god." Brian hung his head in shame, his hands covering his face as the rest of his family laughed. He tipped his head and watched Olivia, her mouth wide open in a full laugh out loud pose, she looked so happy, and if it was at the expense of his younger idiotic days, then so be it. As long as she was happy, he knew it was worth it.

"Okay, so…" Kerry made her presence known as she skipped back into the living area with three large photo albums.

"This is about the only time I hate you for being so damn organised." Brian scolded her.

"Oh you love it!" She grinned as she sat at Olivia's feet in between the couch and the large wooden coffee table and opened the first album. "First day of high school, Brian convinced mom that he had to look like Angus Young!"

Olivia leaned over at laughed at the photo of Brian and his sisters, both girls were dressed smartly, ties straight, hair up, looking very adorable. Brian on the other hand, his hair was everywhere, it was a little longer back then, his short sleeved shirt untucked, his tie loosely done as he gave a rock and roll pose to the camera trying to imitate the AC/DC legend.

"You were such a poser!" Olivia laughed, her arm coming to rest on his.

"Shut up." Brian mumbled as he laughed along with her.

They continued looking through photo albums, photos from their younger days back to when Brian was a lively little toddler dancing naked in the back yard.

"You are so damn cute." Olivia grinned at Brian. He wasn't even paying attention, he lay with his head back against the sofa, his arms over his eyes, continually shaking his head.

"I'm gonna leave the room now." He groaned, his hands reaching out to squeeze his girlfriend's thigh "I'm gonna go hand out with people who won't embarrass and humiliate me." He joked, his hand covering his heart and a fake pout plastered on his face.

A chorus of 'Awww' came from the Cassidy sisters and Olivia. Brian smirked and leaned down, kissing Olivia on the mouth "Have fun." He said quietly.

"Oh I am." She laughed and waved the naked baby picture in front of his face, laughing harder when he walked away rolling his eyes.

"He is so into you." Leanne, Brian's older sister called from the opposite couch. "I've never seen him like this before."

Olivia blushed and looked at the floor

"Me either." Kerry added. "You guys are so good for each other."

.

As Olivia made her way through to the kitchen, empty coffee mug in hand, she stopped still at the door, her heart tightened in her chest as she watched the scene in front of her, the boys were all outside with their fathers, running around, screaming, playing some sort of good guy vs bad guy game. But in the kitchen, at the table sat Brian and his niece, the three year old swirling a paint brush round and round on a piece of paper, giggling as Brian told her a story while she worked. He sat next to her, telling her a story of princesses and pirate ships and castles as high as the sky. Olivia quietly stepped into the room, hoping not to ruin the moment.

She watched as the little blonde clambered up on her chair, reaching over to stab the brush into one of the surrounding multi-coloured paint pallets that littered the table. As she looked up, she spotted Olivia and smiled

"I painting a picture." She said sweetly, holding the paint brush high as her little arms would allow.

"I can see that, what are you painting?" Olivia asked, her eyes gazing towards Brian who looked up from the picture and grinned at her looking between her and Summer.

"A castle, Uncle Brian says it's where the princesses live." She explained to Olivia, her brush hitting the paper once again, splashing colours of blue and purple onto the page.

Olivia smiled, her heart swelled at the thought of Brian and the children, she had no idea he was so good with them.

"Do you want to paint with me?" Summer looked up at her, her head tipped slightly to the side. "You can use the green brush, do you like green?"

"I do like green" Olivia chuckled, walking over to the table and sitting down next to the little girl who still stood on the chair, she couldn't help but feel broody at this moment in time. She imagined what it would be like to have a daughter of her own, wondering if she and Brian would do this with their own child. That thought was quickly broken by the questions of the curious three year old.

"What you going to paint?" She asked Olivia, her words slurring slightly with the excitement of the situation as she handed the paint brush with the green handle over to her.

"I don't know yet. What would you like me to paint?"

"A mermaid." Summer stated boldly. "Uncle Brian can't paint mermaids." She scowled at her Uncle who held his hands up in defence.

"He can't?" Olivia faked shock as she glared at Brian.

"Hey, can people stop ganging up on me today?" He groaned as both girls giggled at him.

"Okay, you has to remember to wash the brush after every colour." The young girl explained to Olivia.

"Have to…" Brian corrected "Have to remember."

"Yeah, that's what I said." She looked at Brian with confusion on her face and Brian just laughed at patted her head.

"And you's got to dry the brush before using another colour or it gets all watery." Olivia grinned at Brian as they both watched the little blonde show Olivia how to use the paint brushes.

"Okay, so wash the brush, dry it and then use a colour."

"Yep!" Summer grinned "And member and wash it after every colour, no wanting them mixed up."

"Right!" Olivia replied as she swirled her paint brush in the water and dried it quickly. "So what colour should we do the mermaid's hair?"

"Pink."

"Pink hair?"

"Yep and a green fin." Summer said and she focused on her own picture.

"And a green fin." Olivia nodded.

Olivia started painting and continued an easy conversation with the three year old. Brian watched in amazement at the little girl who was usually shy around everyone take so quickly to his girlfriend, she had a way with kids that he always found fascinating. She was so good with everyone, she knew exactly how to talk to people, how to get others to come out of their shell and she did exactly that with his niece.

"I'm gonna go find your mom, she was being naughty before, showing photos of me and now she has to be told off." Brian joked as Olivia laughed, thinking back to the previous hour spent with his sister's.

"I wanna see photos." Summer announced.

"No you don't." Brian replied. "You have to finish this picture, I need a new one to hang on my refrigerator remember?"

"Oh yeah. Picture do you want?" She asked, grabbing a new piece of paper from the pile.

"Hmm…a car." Brian smiled as he left his girlfriend and niece together.

"You okay?" He mouthed to Olivia before he left the room. She just nodded and grinned at him before looking back to the little girl who was animatedly explaining how she was going to paint the car.

.

"You are so into her."

"I know"

Brian took a seat beside his older sister who leaned over and hugged him. "She's good for you."

"I know that too." He smiled

"How is she? Mom mentioned she was attacked and stuff, I didn't wanna ask her in case she felt uncomfortable." Kerry asked, sitting on the armchair opposite them.

"She's okay, she's doing a lot better than she was before." He explained "I don't wanna bring it up while we're here, she's doing so well, it's doing us both good to be out of the city for a while, away from work and everything."

"Is she the one?" Leanne asked

"Do we need to be shopping for hats?" Kerry asked, grinning at her older sister.

"Calm down you two." Brian stressed "I'm not proposing. We haven't even talked about marriage yet."

"You guys need to get married."

"I think that's called peer pressure, Kerry." Brian told her.

"I'm sorry. I'm just so excited. Olivia is amazing."

"Sounds like you love her more than I do."

"I think I do."

The three siblings laughed and joked, Brian was glad to be surrounded by family again, it had been a while and he was so happy that Olivia got to be a part of it.

"So is everything ready for the party tomorrow?" He asked

"Yep. Mom should be here any time soon" She glanced at the clock, their mother was due to arrive within the hour "David is going to get the cake tomorrow morning and the kids should be here around two." She announced proudly.

"You sure know how to throw a kids party" Brian joked

"That I do."

Just then the house was interrupted by the screaming of an infant.

"Feeding time at the zoo." Kerry joked as she rushed upstairs to tend to the baby.

.

"That's my sister." Summer stated as she pointed upstairs to the noise coming from her baby sister's nursery.

"Yeah? You love your sister?" Olivia asked

"Yeah, I painted her a picture for her room."

Olivia smiled, the bond between Brian's family was so strong, it was something she had never experienced before, she had never had this growing up, it was always just her and her mom.

"That was nice of you. What did you paint?"

"A rainbow. She likes rainbows."

"She does? I like rainbows too."

"Sorry to interrupt." Kerry rushed into the kitchen with the screaming baby. "Someone's not happy." Olivia watched as Kerry perfectly juggled the unhappy infant and making the bottle, she felt her heart tug again at the maternal feelings that had overtaken her body over the last twenty-four hours.

"Mommy, Mia is crying." Summer stated.

"I know sweetheart. She's hungry, mommy has to fix her a bottle."

Summer sighed and turned to Olivia "She always cries when she wants something." She said quietly. Kerry and Olivia both laughed quietly at the three year olds statement.

.

"Today has been fun." Olivia said as she made her way from back yard where the family had gathered, into the kitchen where Brian stood, gazing out the window, running her hand through her hair she stepped beside him, wrapping her arms around his waist. "I kinda love your family" She grinned.

"Yeah, it was. And they love you too, trust me." Brian replied with a smile, kissing the side of her head before turning dejectedly away from her to grab a glass from the cabinet above the sink and fill it with water, his mind filled with a thousand thoughts.

"What's the matter?" She asked, watching his manner change, feeling him back away from her.

He gazed at her and shook his head, leaning in to kiss her lips "Nothing. I love you." He said, taking a swig from the glass and offering her some.

"No. Tell me."

"Liv, it's nothing. I'm just thinking about stuff that's all."

"What stuff?"

Brian gazed at her, his heart thudding in his chest. "Where we would be…I guess, if we had been more than a one night stand all those years ago. If we could've had this." He said quietly, not looking her way, gesturing to the family gathered outside, the kids all cuddled up in blankets, so happy to be allowed to stay up past their bedtime.

Olivia's heart fell to the floor, she had often wondered herself where they would be, if they would have ever made it. "Who knows" She said, her voice filled with emotion "Maybe we wouldn't have made it, we were both so young and naive."

"Or we could've been stardust."

.

"How was it?"

"What?" Brian watched as Olivia carefully walked into the bedroom, her hands clasped in front of her.

"Our life. If we had stayed together, if I hadn't been such a bitch about it. How would it have been?"

"I never said you were a bitch about it." He pointed out.

"I know. I'm saying I was." She sat at the end of the bed, her back to him. "What would it have been like?"

"I don't know." He said honestly.

"You left because of me."

"Partly."

Olivia took a deep breathe in, tears filling her eyes as she remember how badly she had used him thirteen years ago. "I'm so sorry."

"Hey, don't be. I was the one who got too attached." He chuckled. He came to sit behind her, his legs on either side of her body, his arms wrapped themselves around her stomach, his hands linked with hers in his lap as he kissed the back of her head.

"I shouldn't have dismissed you so quickly."

"I didn't leave just because of you Liv, I couldn't handle the vics. They were alive you know? They could replay the whole ordeal they went through over and over again. I just wasn't strong enough to hear all of that over and over again, every day." He shut up quickly when he realised that she was now in that category. She was now a victim.

"You can handle me." She said, reading his mind. "You've done pretty well so far." She chuckled.

"I love you. That's why. I'd do anything for you."

"I love you too."

They sat for a while, just holding each other, thinking back to when they were so young and green, so ready to get a kick start on the world, putting everything else before each other.

"Would we have married?" She asked quietly, her head bowed with nerves.

"Maybe, if you loved me enough. I would've said yes if you'd asked." He joked, grinning when he got a laugh from her lips.

"Kids?" She whispered, wiping a tear that fell from her eye, unsure that she was ready for the answer. Her body stilled when he didn't reply, she felt his head fall against her shoulder and the unmistakable feel of him nodding against her shirt.

She sniffed and wiped her tears away, desperate to imagine how her life could have been if she had put herself before the job all those years ago.

"As many as we wanted." He said quietly, still leaning against her. "I would've given you a hundred kids if that's what you wanted." He kissed her shoulder "I still would."

"I think I'd want three." She said confidently "Or four."

"I could handle that." He grinned.

"Boys or girls?" She asked.

"I'd need a daughter." He said, his chin coming to rest on her shoulder. "I'd need a little girl who's exactly like you. She'd be amazing" He grinned.

"She'd be a daddy's girl." Olivia whispered. "You'd constantly keep her up late, reading her stories. And you'd always sneak her ice cream before dinner and help her with her homework, and when she got older and brought her first boyfriend home you'd chase him down the yard with a gun." She laughed, picturing the scene perfectly in her head, Brian being the over-protective dad.

"She'd have your eyes. And your heart." He said. "She be kind to everyone and never think badly of people, we would try our best to never let her see any hate in the world. Plus she's be sassy as hell from the day she was born." He laughed.

"Sounds amazing." Olivia whispered, her voice betraying her as more tears escaped her eyes.

"She's ours, she'd be perfect." Brian replied, his arms tightening around her.

"I want a son too." She told him. "He'd be like you. All badass and charming. Protective of his little sister. He'd have your eyes. And we would teach him how to be a good man and treat people with respect."

"And he wouldn't wear his pants around his knees like teenagers do nowadays."

Olivia laughed out loud "No, he definitely wouldn't."

"He would always be respectful of you." Brian told her "Because I'd tell him that you were the most amazing person. He'd know that already but I'd teach him, I'd tell him how selfless you are, how you are constantly putting the needs of others before your own and always have. How he is lucky to have a mama like you. You are his mom and you deserve his respect."

"I'm so sorry." She whispered, quietly breaking down in his arms.

"Hey, it's okay." He wrapped himself around her, holding her tight "You have nothing to be sorry for." He whispered in her ear how much he loved her and how amazing she was.

"Who knows…?" He started as he shifted her body around so she was facing him. "Like you said, we might never have made it. You might have realised how much of an idiot I am far too early on and left me in a heartbeat." He grinned, his forehead against hers.

"I'm sorry we can't have that now…" She whispered.

"Can't have what?"

"Our life, with a house full of kids…"

"Who says we can't?" He asked, his heart thundering in his chest.

"I'm a mess Bri…" She laughed sarcastically. "I just…I ruined everything."

"Hey, seriously babe, you have to stop with this. You haven't ruined anything, you've had a rough time, that's all. You can pull through this. You _will_ pull through this." He insisted as his kissed her.

"And when you're ready, we can talk about this again. We can make a plan."

"What if I can't give you children? I'm getting older and…"

"They aren't the be all and end all. If that's the case then I'm fine with that. I want you Liv. I want you and I want you to be happy. And if we can't have them naturally, there's IVF, surrogacy, adoption?"

"We'll figure it out right?" her voice anxious and her heart desperate for the life she's always craved.

"Of course. Don't worry about it now. You need to focus on you before anything else." He kissed her head and laid down on the bed, pulling her closer to him, her head laying on his chest.

"You'd be the most amazing father." She whispered.

.

* * *

_**continue or not?**_

_**let me know!**_

_**THANKS X**_


	11. Chapter 11

_**feels like I haven't updated this in years!**_  
_**this is just a short filler thing, I kinda hit a block with this story which makes me sad!**_

_**hopefully you all enjoy it anyway.**_  
_**I'm not really that keen on it but I thought I better update it!**_  
_**let me know what you think!**_  
_**and thank you for continuing to read this!**_  
_**I'm overwhelmed by all the support, for all of my fics!**_  
_**thank you so much!**_

_**lyrics: i will wait - mumford and sons**_

* * *

_Know what we've seen_  
_And him with less_  
_Now in some way shake the excess_  
_'Cause I will wait, I will wait for you_

.

"Bri, give this to Olivia would you?"

Kerry almost threw the baby bottle she had made earlier in his face as she rushed around after fourteen screaming five year olds who were currently terrorising her home.

"Eh, Ker…I'm pretty sure my girlfriend doesn't need your breast milk…" He stood dumbfounded in the kitchen, watching the children run to and from the house and the back yard which had been decorated with banners and balloons in all shades of blue and green for his nephews fifth birthday.

"She's offered to feed Amelia for me, you idiot." Kerry rolled her eyes and threw a pink burping cloth at him with one hand and handed a plastic cup of juice to her younger daughter while trying to get her son to stop climbing on the counter for a cupcake.

"Oscar! Get off of there, go outside with your friends, you can have one of those later." She glared at him, ruffling his dark hair as he bolted past her.

"Mia needs a feed round about now and she started getting fussy, I've got so much to do here and Liv was a darling and said she'd do it for me. She should be in the nursery." Kerry pointed up the stairs "Second door on the left."

Brian wandered aimlessly upstairs in search of his girlfriend and baby niece, the amount of screaming and shouting and hilarity coming from the over-active children downstairs was enough to send him into a psychiatric ward. It was a wonder how his younger sister managed it.

He stopped at the door as he heard the faint whimpers coming from the baby; he pushed the door slightly and watched as Olivia tried to calm the baby.

"Shh, it's okay pretty girl." She said quietly, walking back and forth along the wooden floor carefully bouncing the infant in her arms.

"I know…" She mumbled as the baby kept whimpering "It's okay, you'll get a bottle in a minute." She carefully shifted the baby to her shoulder and walked towards the window.

"That'll be you soon Mia, running around, playing with your friends, driving your parent's crazy." The baby turned her head, her bright eyes wide as she tried to focus on the bright colours in the yard below; she soon opened her mouth and wailed in frustration.

"Hey cutie, none of that now" Olivia shifted the baby again.

"Hey." Brian stepped into the room, closing the door behind him.

"Oh look, its uncle Brian and he's brought you something." She cooed to baby Amelia who was currently suckling on Olivia's pinkie finger.

"You're a natural." Brian smiled as he watched Olivia calm the baby and offer her the bottle. She began suckling fast. "Someone's hungry." He joked, running his finger along the baby's cheek.

"She's so cute." Olivia grinned at him as the baby lifted her hand to grip Olivia's fingers that were currently holding the bottle.

"How's it going down there?" She asked, laughing as Brian collapsed onto the white rocking chair next to the crib.

"Manic." He groaned, throwing his arm over his eyes before sitting up, resting his arms on his legs. "Seriously, there's like a thousand kids down there."

Olivia laughed and carefully walked back to the window, watching all the children gather on the grass, waiting impatiently on the arrival of the clown Kerry had hired for the entertainment.

"You know I'm glad I offered to come up here now." Olivia started, she gazed back at Brian who was watching her intently "I hate clowns."

"They are creepy as fuck." He laughed

"Hey! Watch your language!" She scolded, motioning towards the baby who was currently falling asleep in her arms.

"She's like three months Liv, she can't understand us yet." He laughed, walking towards her.

"Still…" Olivia gazed down at the baby, carefully lifting the now almost empty bottle from her mouth. "If her first word is fuck we'll know exactly who it came from." She joked.

She gently strolled back and forth around the room rocking the baby in her arms. Brian watched in awe at the interaction between them, she was a natural. He watched her face light up when Amelia sighed and stretched her tiny arms up to Olivia, letting out a yawn before burrowing herself back into his girlfriend's embrace.

"I want one." Olivia muttered to herself, whipping her body round when Brian replied.

"Me too" He smiled at her "We could always just take her…" He pointed to Amelia with a cheeky grin "Kerry's run off her feet, she'd never know." He joked

"Yeah, sounds like a plan." Olivia chuckled "You go distract her some more and I'll take the baby out front and get in the car."

The pair bantered back and forth in the pink nursery, their conversation occasionally interrupted by the holler of screaming children in the yard below.

Brian laughed and pointed out the window "You really want all of that?" He watched as some of the kids begin hitting each other with balloons, while others were pushing each other off the giant trampoline in the far corner of the yard.

"More than anything"

.

"So, you're Olivia?"

Olivia turned her head and replied "Yes I am. You're Darren right?"

"Right," He nodded and held out his hand to shake hers. She cautiously shook his hand, pulling back when he tried to grip it tighter. She turned to glance at everyone outside as he started to make small talk with her.

"So you and Brian…" She could hear him trying not to scoff under his breath. "How long's that been going on?"

"A year this Christmas" She replied, her eyes trying to find Brian in the crowd of adults and children outside.

"Going well?" He asked, reaching for a bottle of liquor from the top shelf above the fridge.

She widened her eyes slightly as he reached from a glass tumbler "Very." She replied confidently as she watched him pour a healthy amount of vodka into the small glass "Really? At a kids party?"

"It ain't my kid." He scoffed, throwing back the glass and swallowing without a wince.

"Want some?" He tipped the bottle in her direction.

Her heart started pounding in her chest, she felt it battering against her ribs and her hands clenched the edge of the sink, her knuckles turning white. She took a few deep breathes, hoping Darren wasn't paying attention to the fact she was about to have a panic attack in the middle of her boyfriend's sister's kitchen.

"No." She told him firmly, trying not to think of Lewis and the car, the handcuffs gripping her wrists, his cigarette stained breath, hot on her face as he smugly told her all the ways he was about to violate her.

"You're sure?" He asked, sliding the bottle and an empty glass towards her.

"Liv?"

Olivia whipped her head around to find Brian standing just inside the glass doors, the breath she was holding flooded from her lungs as he walked towards her, his hand coming to rest on the small of her back.

"You okay?" She just nodded and turned back towards Darren who was watching the pair intently.

"Your girl doesn't like vodka Bri, what's that about?" He leaned against the kitchen counter, glass in hand, his arms folded over his chest.

"Leave it alone, Darren."

Brian grabbed the bottle from the counter and put it back in the cupboard, he watched as Olivia stood resigned in the middle of the kitchen, her hands still gripping the edge of the sink, the muscles in her arms tensed.

"Liv?"

"I'm fine." She stated before walking quickly outside to join the rest of the family.

"What's her problem?" Darren threw the question at Brian while downing the rest of the vodka that sat in the glass.

.

"Liv..."

"I'm fine."

"Babe..."

Brian hesitantly stepped into the bedroom where his girlfriend stood, folding some of her clothes and forcing them into her bag. "You wanna go back home?" He asked as he sat carefully on the edge of the bed.

"No." She didn't even pay him any attention; she just kept pacing from the chest of drawers to the bed placing on item after another into the bag. "I just thought I'd get a head start you know, save us wasting time doing it tomorrow before we leave."

"Hey..." He reached over for her hand only to have her slap him away.

"Don't!" She jumped back and stood straight, her body tense and her eyes wide. She was breathing heavily; her face glistened with a fine sheen of perspiration.

"Sorry...I'm sorry" Olivia cupped her hands up over her mouth and tried not to cry.

"It's okay, babe. It's fine." Brian stood up and made his way in front of her "Just take a deep breath." He went to wrap his arms around her but stopped when she jumped back.

"Don't touch me…" She whispered

"Liv, it's just me"

"Don't…"

Brian watched her back away from him; he knew she was having trouble with the flashbacks again; they would appear every so often, usually brought on by a harsh reminder like the vodka. He just nodded and backed his way out of the room, leaving her to deal with her emotions on her own. Times like these frustrated him to no end, she wouldn't open up, she wouldn't let him help and she just insisted she could do things on her own. He felt beyond helpless.

He stood outside the bedroom door for a few moments, his heart cracking in his chest when he heard her sobs on the other side.

Olivia sat on the floor, her head in her hands. She grew more and more irritated the more upset she got. She had been doing so well over the last few weeks but it was the little things that got to her, her mind would just warp back to the attack, even just for a few seconds and that would be her, ruined. She would just freeze up, her personality would change, like doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde and it was always Brian who seemed to take the hit. She felt the panic rise in her again, what if this was the final straw, what if this was the time he admitted to having had enough and left her? Every time her walls would break, the only thought that entered her mind was 'Is he going to leave me?'

She stood up, walking over to the mirror, she ran her hands over her face, wiping away the tears and made her way to the door, she opened it carefully, finding Brian sitting on the floor just to the side of the door.

"I'm sorry." She whispered.

"Don't be." He stood and wiped his jeans "Come here…"

She stepped forward into his open arms, constantly whispering her apologies against his shoulder. He ran his hand through her hair, keeping her pressed against his body; he kissed the side of her head and whispered in her ear.

"It's okay, babe."

"No, it's not" She muttered "I can't keep doing this to you"

"Yes, you can. I'm not going anywhere."

.

"Next time I see you guys I want an engagement ring on her finger."

Brian shook his head at his older sister's remark. He and Olivia hadn't really talked about marriage, he knew that when the moment was right, he would ask but right now she had enough on her mind. He turned to see her sitting on the floor by the door, her arms around his young niece who was clinging to her, her infant arms wrapped around Olivia's neck.

"I don't want you to go." Summer mumbled into Olivia's neck.

Olivia felt tears brim in her eyes, she had only spent three days with them all and already felt like a part of the family "It's okay. We can come and see you guys again soon." She replied softly, running her fingers through the young girl's blonde curls.

"Promise?" She asked, her lip pouted

"Yes, I promise." Olivia smiled at the three year old "Besides, who else am I gonna paint pictures with?"

Summer grinned and nodded, hesitantly pulled back from Olivia, she clung to her side when Olivia got back to her feet, quickly dusting of her jeans before placing her hand on top of the young girl's head.

With their hugs and kisses and farewells of safe journeys made, the couple left the cosy suburban home and clambered into the car. They both grinned and waved out the window at the family as they drove off in the direction of the city.

"They adore you" Brian told her

"I adore them too" She smiled and rolled her head to face him "You have an amazing family"

They approached the traffic lights, currently at red. As the car came to a stop, Olivia leaned over the console and turned Brian's face to hers, pressing her lips firmly against his.

"I love you."

"Love you more" He smiled as she sat back in her seat.

"Not possible"

.

* * *

_**continue or not?**_  
_**let me know!**_  
_**THANKS **_  
_**X**_


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